Update: Ready to start my life.

I feel like I am ready. Ready to be wiser, more active, and LIVE.

My whole life I have had to touch the fire 2-10 times to truly learn it burns. I don't want to waste my time making the same mistakes anymore. I am making so many huge changes, it would be such a waste to make my old mistakes all over again.

I have cut off all communication with Ryan. He started using more often and when he did so he would seek me out to verbally attack me. On a phone I paid for. So, I shut that phone off and changed my number. I have to stand up for me. I know most of his family have cut me off from any communication because of it. That's been really hard to lose a whole family- but I know it is because of their codependency, and I understand being charmed by Ryan (as I was for so long). He is their son and brother, I was only the wife. I get that.

I am looking forward to December. I will be officially divorced, I am thinking of getting a new car then, and possibly putting myself on something like EHarmony.com. Who knows?! I am gonna step out of my comfort zone and dating after this many years is definitely out of that zone. :)

I am recovering well, my stomach is adjusting to some solid foods. I feel ready to get back to work - I even bought a lunch box. True story. I go back this coming Sunday.

If you want to hang out, let me know! XOXO

Home and Pain...

So I am alive and that's a plus. Pretty sure I lost 4 lbs since I have been home. Totals me to 50 lbs down I believe since I started this journey. So there is that. But holy crap. The amount of gas they fill you up with to do laproscopic surgery on your stomach is no joke. The day after I got home I stopped the pain meds since they seemed to make me sicker. So that may be part of the pain problem too. The pain meds have to be in liquid form and my surgeon doesn't seem to think I need anything else. Sweet.

Each day is better, even if only a little. So I keep waiting for days to pass. :)

My first surgery and I can honestly say - I never want to have another surgery ever. Everything went well as far as the surgery goes, but I am not surprised- I trusted my surgeon to get the job done right. :) But man. No bueno!

The day before surgery, Ryan called and asked if he could come be with me at the hospital. Like an idiot I say yes, and get excited, and call the hospital to make sure he can stay in my room. Well, he decided later that it wouldn't work for him to come. I get it, just wish he hadn't gotten my hopes up. Never quite got how to make me feel important. :( BUT, I am okay! And it's probably better that I did it on my own (the overnight part anyway). My parents were awesome support and continue to be. Jen has been so incredible too, helping out since Mom also just had back surgery and can't drive. The nephews are in town and they have been very sweet as well. Tawni is going to take me to Safeway tonight since it doesn't seem like anything I have gotten to eat is sitting well. Don't know if it's the food or if it's ME. :) I also met the girl who my surgeon operated on right before me. She has been such incredible support via email and Facebook. Crazy that we met across the hall from each other in South San Francisco, but she lives in San Jose, works in Santa Cruz, and we have a couple mutual Facebook friends. Small world! I am so glad I met her.

I am excited to see the next chapter as it's being written. I constantly have to remind myself I am stronger than I know, I can do what I set my mind to, and I WILL be ok. :)

Thank you so much to my friends that have stayed in touch- the Facebook love and texts have really meant so much, you'll never know.