Kinda lost.

Hibernation.

I sure wish life was easier... - I know everyone wishes that. I have been very lonely without Ryan. That's very hard to admit openly. I miss how we used to laugh so much together. I miss laying down with him at night. I miss starting and ending my days next to him. I don't miss his drama that became my drama. I don't miss the fear and anger. I have to remind myself that it all comes together. One package. I don't miss the hurt. But what sucks is, I live a life of fear, hurt and anger even without him. I have to find a way to let go... I feel like I have tried everything. I guess it just takes time. This month marks a year I have been without him, next month is our wedding anniversary. Awesome. They are just days, same as the rest of them. They'll come and go. I can either move forward as they pass or sit in my misery and watch life pass me by. I could say the obvious that I need to move forward, but to be completely honest, right now I am sitting in it. Not quite sure what to do next, kinda hoping I start to get up and dust myself off. I feel like I should be further in life by now. What have I done with my life that I can be proud of if it all ended today?

I gotta change some things.

<3

I need to be better at this...

Here we are in the new year and I try to remind myself of all I've accomplished in the past year. I quit smoking, I lost 100 lbs, I had my first and only surgery, I left my husband and became officially divorced, I moved, I changed my number, I have mostly all healthy relationships, I've made new friends, I have connected with people I already knew (just not well), I joined a gym, I've gone on a few dates, and I think that's it. Am I bragging? Maybe a little. :) When I forget these things I can get pretty frustrated and feel like I am not making any progress. Thank God I have friends that remind me of all I HAVE done and I feel encouraged.

I moved into a house that my friend Adam owns. He lives here too, along with Mike (who I share a bathroom with), also a woman named Courtney but she is soon moving out and I will be meeting another new roommate that will take her place. Mike has been such a blessing - he cooks really good, he listens sometimes, but mostly he is so laid back sometimes I feel the need to check his pulse. He is a constant reminder not to take life too seriously, not to worry about things out of our control, and to think more rationally. Both Adam and Courtney are very driven people and all 3 of them encourage my health and weight loss. I am so blessed by the house I have come to call home.

I am sure you all saw on FB that a few weeks ago someone handed me a puppy in PetCo. She has already doubled in weight and she seems pretty smart. I am hoping she teaches Bettie some manners. Mike named her Whiskey and Adam calls her the "house dog". I absolutely love it.

I am sitting here in the house alone (Courtney is out of town and Mike and Adam are most likely at "drill" at the fire house.) and I am reflecting on my past year. How crazy. Had you told me this is where I'd be I would have told you you were NUTS. Single and living with 3 other people? Much lighter and smoke free? Nope no way- you're crazy. There are still days I miss Ryan so much it literally takes the breath out of me. But they are fewer. I take those moments to grieve what I thought I had and then I have to stand back up and keep walking.

Dating is SO weird. I want to find someone I can share this life with, someone to take on the world with me. With Ryan, hanging out was so easy. I don't remember an awkward moment. So I will have fun in the process of meeting new people, see where it might go, and hope that someone and I will fit easily together. And maybe Ryan was my only love for this life. Who knows? Just God. :)

So yeah, I am single, livin' with a couple of firemen... I like the way that sounds. :)

Maybe I will start blogging about the crazy weird dates I go on- keep you entertained with stories of awkwardness! :) Love you. Peace out. :)

Somewhat overdue.

So I realized that I haven’t updated anyone on here since my last break down. Thankfully I haven’t had any since then and it seemed to have been incredibly therapeutic. I am happier than I have been in a very long time. Thank you for believing in me. If you have been, that is. :) I am strengthened by God and friends and the hope for a better heart that truly wishes the best for others while genuinely believing in myself.

A funny (actually sad) thing I am noticing as I get more clarity is that some people in my life that say all they want is the best for me and they want me to be emotionally healthy are the ones that struggle with my progress the most. Some people that say they don’t want me to be codependent are the ones that actually mean don’t be codependent with anyone BUT me.

I gotta be me. I gotta do my best and live a life that only I am responsible for. Because in the end I am truly only responsible for ME. No one else. If you stumble or ruin your life and blame it on me, guess what? YOU made your choices. YOU get to live or die with them. And same goes for me. I can’t blame anyone else for my choices. I made them- NO ONE ELSE.

If I have hurt you at any point, I am so so sorry. Somehow I didn’t believe myself to be capable of hurting anyone. In my mind I was too insignificant to have affected anyone in any way at all. But no one is exempt from the hurts they cause and I am no different. I AM TRULY SORRY.

Please let me know if we should meet up so you can hear me say it to your face.

I don’t want to be anyone that bitterly holds onto grudges and resentments. It only hurts me and hinders my progress in life. Yes, I have been wronged. So has EVERYONE else in the world. What good does it do for me to sit down and hold onto what eats away at me and destroys my spirit?

I like me. I forgot how fun I was, how much I love being around people. How much I love making people feel good. I’m learning how to do that without losing myself in the process and making sure I still get what I need. That is not easy but it has a lot to do with WHO I surround myself with. Just as much as it is hard for me to find a balance it gets hard for the people I am around to find the opposite balance and remember that I need some lovin’ too. :)

To update you on my life, I am moving in a few weeks. My friend Adam had a room available to rent in a house with what seems like incredibly cool people. Bettie will have a new German Shepard friend and a huge backyard to share. The house is gorgeous and I am looking forward to spending the holiday months with people in a warm, dry, bright house. I am still working in my same job, been back over two years now. Life is just flying by.

My divorce is final December 16th. It’ll be a rough day I am sure, but I will not struggle for the loss of a marriage. I truly don’t believe I had one. Some of you close enough know that to be true as well. It will be rough I think for the finality of something that at one point I had so much hope and belief in. Also maybe a new hope will emerge. A new hope that has already been born i

n my heart. The day will also mark 8 months on my own. Time to move forward. To keep moving forward. I love each and every one of you that has walked with me through the junk and the fun. And I pray good things are happening for you or will be soon. XOXOX

A low point. Be gentle.

I miss him so much my whole body aches for him. Until him I didn't truly understand what it meant to literally lose your breath at the thought of someone. My head is not conflicted. My head knows that there aren't any options for us. No good ones anyway. But God, please let my heart hear the argument my head makes, because it's a good one.

I have never felt like a worse person, I genuinely have dark thoughts about it being easier if he were dead. Even writing that is so truly embarrassing but I am here to chronicle my journey. What's the point if I can't be raw and honest? I also want so much for him. I want him to be sober and happy and truly have a fair shot in life and love and to be married one day with a family that he stays sober for. And yet I know that even that will break my heart. Why couldn't WE make it work? Why wasn't I the answer? And even as I feel that I know that there was nothing I could have done to keep him sober. I KNOW that, my HEAD knows that. It's all part of it's brilliant argument. I think my heart is deaf. I hate him so much. And I love him just a little bit more. You people that tell me I am admirable or strong or inspirational couldn't be farther from right. I just wished a man I still love dead.

What if he was my penguin, my one shot at love?

What if I will never laugh with anyone like we laughed? What if no one ever sings to me like he did? What if no one ever takes the time to know me the way he does? I feel like I have loved him the way he will never be loved, so isn't it fair to assume the same for me?

He is the last man to truly love me exactly for who I am, what I look like, and every flaw. I am losing weight and no one else will ever love me at the weight I was like he did.

My ever logical head says that many people have felt the way I have felt, that I am not paving any new roads here. But I have never paved this road, so yes, this is new. And it sucks. It is truly the hardest thing I have experienced thus far.

I didn't plan on starting over at 30. I met the man I wanted to live out forever with 5 years ago. I was done. Maybe I am still done. No one can say what will happen. People can tell me all the sweet things they think are right to say or think they should say but it doesn't change the fact that my head jerks up at the sound of a motorcycle or the fact that I am so jealous of the people that get to see him everyday. I was supposed to see him everyday, that was supposed to be me.

When my doctor told me I needed this surgery or I could die, I chose death. I know that sounds so stupid but I did, I told Ryan that I was good with what I had been blessed enough to experience.

You know what Ryan? YOU told me you wanted to grow old with me. YOU inspired me to grow old with YOU. When I decided to get the surgery because of YOU, I had visions of being thinner and more active with YOU. Living longer with YOU. You asshole, I am on my own. I was satisfied with my life as it was, I was ready to be okay with hanging out with Jesus. And now, here I am without you. Because drugs seemed a better option than a life with me.

80 down, much more to go!

So I am officially 80 pounds lighter than I was in December. Pretty sure a few of those may have been my heart. Have you ever thought of someone and your breath leaves your body? You have to force yourself to keep breathing for that moment. Thankfully those moments pass and it gets easier to breathe in between them. And the moments in between get larger and larger.

I am constantly reminded how blessed I am to have so much support from everyone. You guys are incredible.

I have some doctors appointments this week, I won't get into them, but if you think of saying a prayer for no pain and good results they would be appreciated.

Chocolate cake kills.

Ryan has been calling me at work. When I answer he doesn't say anything, and when Cheryl answers he asks for me and hangs up when she says I am not here. This has been for about a week. Then I got word that he will be heading this way (until now he has been living some 3 and a half hours away) to get some assistance with the whole get sober plan. This probably explains the phone calls. I am not sure how I feel about this. Don't get me wrong, I want nothing but success for that guy, I am very proud of him for getting help. What scares me is him being close by. Scares me that he will be close to a part of my family. (If you know the back story, you'll know why.) Scares me that he may want to make amends at some point. I have gone to very great lengths to not have contact. The saddest thing about us is that we are just plain toxic for each other. We had a chance and we spoiled it. WE spoiled it. What I have to cling to is that nothing says I have to have contact. Nothing says I have to do anything I don't want to do. I ALWAYS worry about things before they happen.
His parents are coming down here this week. How tempted am I to pass them Ryan's bills that keep piling up at my house that I will ultimately be responsible for? I truly do miss them, and I am so bummed for them because I know how much they only want the best for him. I will always love and appreciate the way they welcomed me into their family so easily.
I am not sure what my point was in telling you this. Maybe it's for accountability, maybe just to sort through my feelings and see them in print. I honestly don't know. I have such a weakness for him. Such a soft spot for his heart. But him for me literally threatened my life, and me for him became what allowed his downfall. I don't want that for either of us. Maybe he is like chocolate cake to me, and I am like drugs on a table to him. Both will end up killing us.
If you think about it, pray for my strength and my perseverance to keep bettering me, to stay on this course that I have begun navigating. And maybe to not be scared. I am strong enough, yesterday at a birthday party I didn't have any cake. So now as the cake that is as delectable as it is deadly moves into town, I can say no to that too.
Love you guys. XO

"Limbo"

When you have filed for divorce and you have changed your phone number so that your ex can't call you, what do you say is your relationship status? I am not officially divorced until December 16th... I don't consider myself married, and I don't consider myself single. So this is maybe what "limbo" looks like.
Surgery recovery is going well. I still get really sick sometimes, and I think I got too dehydrated the other day and it resulted in a "vision migraine". So I am trying to stay good on drinking what I am supposed to. When your stomach is the size of an egg it's tough to drink at least 64 oz of water per day. I still am not allowed to lift over 15 lbs. My incisions are almost healed. I have lost 20 pounds since surgery, but no weight loss for 2 weeks. So hopefully August goes by fast so I can get back into the gym.
So yeah, since I don't hear from Ryan anymore, I have had a few days that I haven't thought of him at all. That's a huge step for me. I don't miss "us" anymore. I have enough distance to see how bad the bad was. I will always remember how good the good was, unfortunately it just couldn't outweigh the bad.
My friend Kelly's son is having his 7th birthday party on Saturday and I am so excited to see them!
I have tomorrow off and then I work in San Mateo on Thursday as usual, then my weekend! Then I am working 10 days in a row so Cheryl can vacay at Lake Shasta. That'll help this girl's paycheck out! So I am going to try to relax as much as possible between now and then.
I am not sure what else to update you on... Work is good, the house is good- still clean, and constantly getting rearranged by yours truly... The animals are good. Family is good, the nephews went home last week. So stay tuned, this limbo can't last forever!