Getting nervous...

I want to start or at least continue chronicling my journey through this period of my life. I feel that nervous feeling when you are packing for a trip and you are SURE you have forgotten something.

I THINK I am ready for surgery, there is A LOT of preparation. This has not been an easy journey. I started all of this in November, and here I am, less than 2 weeks until my surgery and I have lost over 40 lbs, I have quit smoking, I haven't had caffeine, carbonation, or fast food. I exercise (when I am allowed), I take a million vitamins, 4 different times a day, and I am sure there is more that I have had to change.

I know that when I see people I haven't seen and I am smaller they will assume that surgery was an "easy way out". But I know better, so do the people who have had to put up with me through all these life changes. Surgery is a tool, and will help, but the major life long changes are mine to keep up.

So, I have my mushy foods, clean house... I am gonna be on my back for 2 weeks, and possibly throwing up the 3rd after surgery.

I have a few more pre-op appointments left, and then I will have to update on my progress as I heal. I would love to eventually put together a book (of sorts) with pictures and blogs, and then see this whole process in writing. So if this has gotten boring- you can stop reading! :) Sorry, probably should have warned you at the beginning! So rude of me.

XO

Who knew?

Holy Shit.

Yes, cursing is allowed today.

So last night Ryan and I signed our dissolution papers. I say dissolution because it hurts just a little bit less than the other "D" word. It was tough, but I think I was pretty numb to it all at that point, felt kinda relieved even. He had a tougher time.

But then this morning came. I woke up to my phone ringing. Ryan. Wanted to have breakfast. As much as I didn't want to get out of bed, I had just told him last night that I would always be there for him. So I pulled myself out from under my safe covers and met him. We ate and I had a little time before meeting my mom. He asked if we could go to the house so he could get some stuff, meet the kitten and hang out. So away we went.

It was a little awkward at first. He didn't have much to say so I tried making conversation but it fell flat. That was when I noticed the tears in his eyes. I went to him and we just held each other and cried silently. I didn't even think about how hard it would be on him to see the house and his dog and me and really just OUR HOME.

When it was time to go, I took him back to his bike and we kissed goodbye and promised to stay in touch. I met my mom and we headed to court to file the paperwork. It ended up being quite different than we expected, especially the part where you can't do anything in Santa Cruz, only Watsonville. Anyway- without the boring paperwork details when we walked away from the courthouse ($400 later...) , my mom who was there to be MY rock :) lost it. So I lost it. We lost it the whole way to the parking garage, up the elevator and to the car. Then we pulled it together and ran errands. Mom had to go to Target which was good for me because they had a lot of the stuff I needed to get ready for surgery and recovery.

She took me back to my car, I listened to "Who Knew" by P!nk and SOBBED the whole way home. I know we did the right thing, I truly do. It just isn't easy. I expected to think about my resentment, and our dating and married memories, maybe the good times, maybe I'd focus on the bad times. But all I have pictured in my head all day is my wedding on the beach. Just the sunny, happy day we committed our lives to each other. I know that people had their opinions, some were shared, I am sure some kept them to themselves. I know people didn't expect us to last long. I truly thought we could do it. And you know what? I do not put ANYTHING past God. Who knows what the future holds?

This is definitely not what I had planned for 2 years down the road.

Thanks for letting me therapeutically vent here.

XO

It'll take time...

This morning I woke up kind of sad. But sad for friends I have lost in the middle of my current life's "storm". Sad that I know they will return one day, and that I will have to tell them that though I forgive them and wish them only great things, I cannot be friends with them. I need "ALL-weather" friends. I need people that I can count on, people that can count on me. It is actually kind of ironic, without the people who have left, it's been a calmer storm.

I think this is MY fault. I have allowed so much of my own toxic behavior. I love to be a care-taker, to be empathetic. These aren't bad qualities, but when you take them too far WATCH OUT. I got to be the HEAVIEST doormat. :) But I (ME) laid down to be that doormat. "Sure I will take care of you when your world crashes, don't worry about me, I don't matter." I was an idiot. I have put myself on hold, my life, my time, my health, EVERYTHING. Ummm, how am I going to be who God designed me to be if I stroke out? :) God made me this HUGE heart and I have abused it. So as I clean out my life (bleach it) hopefully I can use this heart as He intended.

I don't want to take time for me and then forget everything else. I am scared to get "cold". I am scared I will stay on the outside to avoid getting hurt again. But everything I want from life sits on the other side of a lot of risks. So I hope to be braver. For God. For Me. For my friends who have taken a risk with me. So thank you so much for your friendship, for your empathy, for your encouragement. I know I couldn't have done this alone. And I am gonna only be asking for more! I am so needy now! Haha! XOXOX

Next stage...

Went this past weekend to see family and meet with Ryan to sign divorce papers he swore he'd sign. His only condition was that we would do it at the end of our time together. This made me nervous, and I let him know that if it came to the end of that time and he didn't sign, he would risk losing contact with me and that I would then proceed on my own with the paperwork.
He said it was worth the risk and he would sign. Foolish me. He didn't. So, no contact. And now I do it on my own. Which honestly, shouldn't surprise me since I've done 99% of it all on my own anyway. And I don't mean that in a martyr-like way. I chose to marry an addict- I chose to marry Ryan. I "knew" addicts were self-centered but didn't know what that meant on such a deep level as marriage.
DO NOT misunderstand me. I wouldn't change a thing. I do NOT regret marrying Ryan Gomm, and my heart will ALWAYS have a deep love for him.
If love and fun times could make a marriage, we would be the envy of the WORLD. Unfortunately it takes so much more.
I was so lucky to have a chance to love Sober Ryan, the Ryan who truly IS so amazing. Bummer that I didn't always have him though. And I can't be married to two different people. Wondering who I am with each day is exhausting. Trying to hold it all together on my own, go to bed and wake up on my own- it is not easy, but it IS making me stronger. Plus, my friend Cheryl is planning on helping me re-decorate my house some more to help the process.
My surgeon appointment is this Thursday, that is something I don't dread anymore, which also shocks me. Speaking of which, does a person ever run out the ability to BE surprised??
I got a kitten and that's been fun and distracting for me AND Bettie.
I got to see my surrogate brother Tommy James, his woman (who is with child again:)) and their daughter Cadence that I absolutely fell in love with all over again when she sat in my lap wrapped in a blanket for the evening.
Cheryl and I continue to sell mad amounts of spas and that has also been a blast.
And I can't wait for my friend Tawni's life to slow down a bit so I can hang out on her couch again. ;)
One day I hope I can inspire or help someone else because of all of this junk.
So that's where I am at today. XOXO

"Explex Delays"

Hi guys,
This morning was incredible. I got to meet Tawni and Paul's son, Brayden Randall Ybarra. So amazing - a whole new life began. Something so joyful is a welcome overshadow of anything else.

But I will update you- this has become a very easy way to let you know what is going on so every time I talk to you or run into you I don't have to go through everything. Which saves me, but mostly saves YOU. ;)
This past week was a roller coaster. I have a feeling weeks like that are definitely ahead of me still. On Tawni's street they are doing construction and they have spray painted on a board the words "EXPLEX DELAYS". Horribly misspelled, but I got it anyway. I have a feeling that sign was directed at me in my life at this time. I truly should give myself a break and expect delays, and drive cautiously through the construction that is my life.

I started going to the gym before work and it has been so much fun. Tawni showed me how to use the equipment. Yes, I needed someone to show me. I am already below my target weight that the surgeon wants me at before surgery.

At work, Cheryl and I have been selling so many spas we brought our Capitola store to the #1 selling store for April of our 8 Bay Area locations. SO that is awesome too.

Last Friday evening for some unknown reason, my Dad and I had a fight. Well, he yelled and I cried. I am not mad, I think in that moment it was clear that I am not the only one in the midst of divorcing Ryan. As much as it hurts to lose a husband, I am sure it is just as hard to feel like he is losing a son. My mom wears her anguish on her sleeve, I have seen her cry and grieve for Ryan. I think Dads hold themselves to some standard of no crying, no weakness. But if it is going to manifest itself in a rant against me, for God's sake man, CRY.

Last Saturday was a toughie. Ryan came to get his stuff, he moved out of town a week ago today. He brought a friend with him, like it couldn't get any more awkward than it was. We are going to meet up in a few weeks to sign papers. I know not everyone will understand this, but the only way I feel like we have any chance in the future is if we can get rid of the old. I hate who I became. I hate who he became. We both have a lot of work to do, and if we come together again in the future it would have to be a "start from scratch" situation, a real chance.

Then Tuesday was a real treat. It was our 2 year wedding anniversary. Dates aren't usually that significant but this one was a bit painful. Never expected to spend a wedding anniversary in 2 different area codes. Didn't expect much of any of this.

This weekend everyone is out of town but me. I have my dog and my Mom's dog, so we will see who survives. I am thinking it might not be me- I haven't left the compound until today, too scared to leave them alone for long. So at least I am all caught up on laundry, dishes, and I rearranged my living room, again. :)
Peace out guys, I am gonna finish up work and hopefully go love on the Ybarras!

Stalled...

Why on earth are some days harder than others, even without a tangible change from one day to the next? I am at my same job, that I drove my same car to, with my same music. My hair is done, my make-up in place, and on the surface I should be taking on the world. I joined a gym yesterday, I still have a clean house, and a clean car, my bills are caught up, and my gas tank is full.

Yet today, today sucks. I keep trying not to look at my left hand and the void on my ring finger. I try to stay strong and keep the brimming tears from falling and giving me away. I try not to look the nice people in the eye, for fear they will be filled with kindness and I might break. How can I ache for something that is so toxic?

Why couldn't I stop loving Ryan the moment he became someone else? Oh how much easier it would be if my heart listened to my head.

My boss just walked up and asked me how I am doing. Yeah, I lost it and had to run to the bathroom for kleenex. That's professional.

I do not get how 2 days that look exactly the same can feel so different.

I need a rescue, a hand, a break. I need to let myself grieve, but stay strong enough not to drown in it. And do I really have to grieve on the day I work with both of my bosses? Really? How fair is that?

It isn't.

As far as a weekly update, you guys pretty much got it in the first paragraph. Except for the follow up from last week on meeting with Ryan last Friday to sign divorce papers. Surprise: He doesn't want to sign. That I half expected. But nothing could have prepared me for how he looks. Did I mention I HATE drugs? The man I met with on Friday is NOT the man I married. Just thinking of how he looked shatters what's left of my heart. I truly hope he hits his bottom. I feel like his bottom must be so much deeper than most people's. I know I hit mine. And I know I didn't have to fall far to get to it.

So I have blogged 3 weeks in a row now, and with that- I need to go distract myself with something (anything) else.

Peace out, love you guys.

A week later...

There are many things that have happened in a week. I won't get into dramatic details. What is important is what I have learned. I learned that a disagreement isn't worth losing a relationship over. I learned that my life can be as peaceful as I make it. If I lose myself in the drama (that I didn't create) then I lose. If I can take that drama, pray for everyone involved, and for my own peace, then and only then can I keep peace.

There are so many changes in my life right now that it would be very easy to get lost. Instead, I choose to reinvent myself. I feel like I am a new purse- I can put everything I liked from the last purse in the new one, then add new shiny things to it too! (By the way, that is my favorite part of buying a new purse.)

On top of everything else, my car's CD player decided to go to heaven. And anyone who has been through a break-up knows that being at the mercy of the radio is dangerous. So I was able to run into Best Buy and use some of the points I have racked up there to get a new stereo. That has been a life saver in the middle of all this crap.

I also went to a salon and cut my hair, dyed it black and added blue highlights. I know. Most people try to limit these types of changes when the more emotional changes are happening. I prefer to do it all at once. And make positive changes that I can control, somehow it minimizes the larger ones I have no control over.

...and I am still smoke free. I don't weigh myself (I let the doctors) so I don't know yet how much more I have lost. I know I haven't been able to be as active because I have super hurt my back somehow. But there is my whining. Tomorrow morning Tawni and I are going to go to the gym and start our water aerobics class. I am excited and nervous.

Today also marks the first contact with me that any of Ryan's immediate family has attempted. Apparently when I emailed them, it was miscommunicated that I didn't want contact. That couldn't be further from my reality. Ryan's sister texted me - trying to help Ryan and I get back together. Now I totally get that this is her being a big sister and trying hard to get her little brother what he wants... However, there are SO many steps that need to be taken before there is hope for Ryan and I to get back together. Obviously he would need a substantial amount of clean time, first and foremost. And then there are more steps to take after that. And if those steps are taken, then we start over. Fresh. New. Pure. So my point is it will be a while. But I don't plan on writing him off, or putting my life on hold either. He can always contact me. The fact that we are signing divorce papers tomorrow doesn't mean I have written him out of my life. I will always love him and I will always care about his well-being no matter where life takes either of us.

So that's out. Sorry if that was mildly "rant-ish".

PS: I am proud of myself for blogging again the following week, let's hope I can continue it!

Love you.

Anna