The very BEST thing you can do for yourself is think of any possible outcomes to the different decisions we can make, THEN make our choice. Decide what you want from life- what is your GOAL, how do you want to LIVE, what decisions can you make that get you to that end result that you want, that you DESERVE. I know what I want-I want a good marriage, I want to live without fear or resentment. I want to have fun with good friends. I want to be successful at work. Now I need to make decisions that support my goals, that get me closer to them everyday. One way to do this is write out the choices you have at any given moment- then write out what happens if you choose each particular choice. Which one lines up with your goals, with what you are looking to add to your life?
I just looked at what I wrote last time I was here... "...I hate that when Ryan comes home I seem to ignore everything else. I started this blog as a way to process everything, and when I need it the most is when I quit doing it. So here I am... Sticking to something I started while Ryan was away, trying to be the best me for me, and in turn, the best me for him."
Oh no. I so did it. I ignored my blog, my way of processing. BUT I have good news; things are good. Things are tough, but they are ultimately good.
Ryan is clean. On his own- he's been clean for months. I love it. We still have so many things to work through, but at least now we work through them as they come up instead of burying them with drugs and other issues. Don't get me wrong- life isn't all roses. But who's life IS? Guaranteed if you think someone has the perfect marriage or life, you haven't walked in their shoes. No one does, no one has it perfect. We all have our struggles, they just come in different forms.
My struggle lately? I am a bitch. Yeah, seriously. Never thought I could get as mean as I am now. Oh, I am still nice most of the time- but I discovered my mean streak- 29 yrs into this life I find it. Turns out it's been there the whole time, Ryan just tapped it. What a little miner he is. Put on his little miner hat, took his little miner axe and went to work to find my mean streak. He struck GOLD! I guess it's not so much gold as it is crap. Way to go love, way to go. Now it bubbles right below the surface. I can no longer bury it, so I am trying to balance it in a healthy way. Stick up for myself without bulldozing Ryan or anyone else.
Been watching a lot of 48 hrs, I can't believe how many spouses murder each other. I mean, yeah- no one can make you more crazy, but how does that present itself as an option? Holy crap. Not me, I can't imagine my life without Ryan.
My friend Tawni wrote me the other day - Ryan and I had spent a couple of hours at her house last Sunday- she told me that she can see why I held on as hard and long as I did. That she supports me no matter what my decisions are as life goes on, but that she sees why I love him so much. He is lovable. He is funny, handsome, protective, loyal, smart, helpful, the list goes on. I love that she saw in Ryan what I did. It meant so much to hear that. I was talking to an old friend I hadn't seen in a long time. I told him all about what Ryan and I had gone through in the past year. Let me tell you a little about this friend. He is strong, not just physically, but mentally. I was braced for him to tell me how very weak I was to not leave when things got as bad as they did. I waited for him to tell me how stupid (in a nice way of course) I am. How I should never have put myself in the place I did. I was absolutely taken aback when he said that he commended me for staying, that I was strong and that it was so "Anna Borden" of me. Wow. I think my trip is that I perceived myself as weak. I am carrying that baggage- and it turns out people view me as stronger than I view me.
My Ryan is back. But REALLY back- with arguments and all. But I take it all, that's what I did almost a year ago- took him, and everything that comes with him. As he took me and all my baggage. Doesn't mean either of us has to put up with unhealthy behavior, but it does mean that we take the time to try to make it healthy.
It is a very cool feeling to know that if Ryan and I weren't married, I would marry him today. That may not make sense to everyone, but it does to me. Months ago, I could NOT have said anything like that. But I hope that everyday I could answer that with the same conviction as I feel now. Being in love and staying content with each other is a choice. And it isn't a choice to put up with anything, or to be walked on, it is simply a choice to always TRY. Consciously TRY to make it work. Sometimes people will make choices that make it impossible to stay. And that, I understand. I have a close friend who's marriage couldn't be saved, and nothing she could have done differently would have changed that outcome. We can't control the decisions other people make- no matter how DUMB we know they are. I commend her. I commend me. I commend anyone that makes the DAILY choices to stay true, to stay loyal, and to stay on the path that we know will eventually end at our desired destination. We are where we have PUT OURSELVES. Not where anyone else has put us. Even if it is our reactions and changes because of SOMEONE ELSE's decisions, WE make our decision to stay or not to stay, to move in a new direction or not, NO ONE MOVES US BUT US.
