Hello again. It has been so long again... And every time I promise to do it more! So I promise I will do it more! ;)
I left you off in August. Later that month we lost a good friend and
co-worker, Tom to a heart attack. I got the chance to know and love him
for 8 years and I am better for it. I will miss his laugh and his flirts and his support.
So, again, in September we had another tragic loss when our amazing friend, John McCabe, passed away in a motorcycle accident. He is so badly missed by everyone who was lucky enough to know him. Because if you know him, you love him.
Sometimes God genuinely gives me messages for his wife, Laura. I don't know how else to describe it. It has happened only with him and with my very best friend, Tommy's, older brother, Joey. It is just a quick thing that I just know they want their loved ones to know and to be encouraged. I can't explain it but I know John wants Laura to know he loves her just as much now, even more in fact, as he did when we could see and touch him. And he misses flirting with her. xoxo
October was my birthday month and it was quiet. Mourning and yet trying desperately to live without regrets.
November I
finally left Paradise Valley Spas and couldn't be happier about that. I
work for a great company that sells HAM radios. I talk to A LOT of
older gentlemen and I LOVE it. It is in Watsonville.
In December I got baptized in my church, Watsonville Nazarene. I have been SO blessed to call this church MY church, my FAMILY. I have a mentor in an incredible woman that I would be SO stoked to become more like in so many ways.
In January my niece, Kaitlyn Ybarra, was born. She is as beautiful as her brother, Brayden, is handsome. I am so lucky to be a part of Tawni's life and I am making a point to spend more time with the important people in my life.
In February we saw a really big crime jump, that was scary. It's also when Cheryl and I decided that apartment life was not for us and God made a way for us to move into my friend Janet's house the first week of March. Good Lord. How often do I move?? I am in a really awesome house up
Hwy 1, just outside of town enough to be "country, with the ocean just
close enough to be beachy." This plus a backyard for Bettie makes it
perfect for me. The space and the TWO backyards with room for a
playground and gardening space makes it perfect for Cheryl and the
kids. The middle room,
with 2 awesome roommates, makes it perfect for Midge. YES. Midge is
back in my life and I couldn't be happier to have her in the house!
So March was full of moving in, settling, and Tres Dias. Tres Dias you ask? Yes, a retreat of sorts. An experience I couldn't put into words, even if I was allowed to. I met so many amazing women, and then some of their husbands along the way! Changed my life, changed my walk with God, and changed my relationship with Ryan in such huge, only God could do this, ways. 
I came to realize I never let myself receive forgiveness for things I have done in the last 2 years. This was also in turn not letting me fully forgive Ryan for our marriage and the loss of it. At the end of this intense weekend, I accepted His forgiveness and in turn, in front of over 100 people, I forgave Ryan out loud and professed publicly that I love him. I am still and will forever be in love with that guy. God made him someone so perfectly fitted to me that no one else will ever fit in his spot. And his spot is in my heart; he takes up a residence there that he has signed a permanent lease for. 
I am not sure he pays rent however, so does that make him a heart squatter? That sounds gross. He DOES pay rent. That man has shown me over this last year back in my life how much I mean to him and the lengths he is willing to go to be with me. He is so in love with me it's ridiculous and I can't believe I forget that sometimes. Sometimes I even take it for granted. Stupid stupid girl! ;) I cannot WAIT to see what God still has waiting up His sleeve.
Also in March, Bettie brought a dead gopher into my bed. Unrelated (at the time), on the last day of the month we went and got a second bunny for the boys and named him Clark.
In April I got to see those ladies from Tres Dias again, I am so glad I did, if only for a dinner.
It was so worth the drive. I hope I made life long friends with these women because I can't imagine NOT having them in my life.In April, Bettie brought a dead bird into our kitchen. And about a week later, she killed Clark. Yes, the baby bunny you thought was cute like 2 paragraphs ago? Same one. Dead. She didn't get a chance to bring him inside thankfully. Ryan happened to catch her in the act and I didn't have to see any of the crime scene. Bettie has 3 known victims which officially makes her a serial killer. My baby. Ryan calls her "'lil' miss 187". Is there some sort of dog prison? If so, none of this is true and I haven't witnessed a single kill.
May just started and it started with a HUGE tragic loss of two brothers that I grew up with and have known since I was just out of diapers. On the 5th they drowned in Lexington Reservoir and left SUCH HUGE holes in everyone's lives.
Their funeral was Saturday and I don't know that I have seen more love in one room than I saw there.
I can honestly say that I hope to be done with funerals for a while after Sunday. Yes, one more. Ryan lost a close friend to an overdose a few weeks ago. This man, James, was super amazing and had such a huge hand in Ryan and I re-connecting. It may seem weird to say but I am comforted that somehow we honor his memory by still staying connected. He will be sorely missed.
With the losses and holes left I am reminded to not stress over small things. Because I do. I struggle to take control of even the smallest things and each time I realize I am NOT in control. I do NOT have anything put together or any sense of ease when I try to make sense of life. God has me clutched so tightly and I need to rest in that. I need to remember HE has it so neatly put together and from where He sits it DOES all make sense.
This is what I rest in. It is where I get my drive to do this life-thing the best I can-as honestly and positively as I can possibly do it. Love you. xoxo
