I miss him so much my whole body aches for him. Until him I didn't truly understand what it meant to literally lose your breath at the thought of someone. My head is not conflicted. My head knows that there aren't any options for us. No good ones anyway. But God, please let my heart hear the argument my head makes, because it's a good one.
I have never felt like a worse person, I genuinely have dark thoughts about it being easier if he were dead. Even writing that is so truly embarrassing but I am here to chronicle my journey. What's the point if I can't be raw and honest? I also want so much for him. I want him to be sober and happy and truly have a fair shot in life and love and to be married one day with a family that he stays sober for. And yet I know that even that will break my heart. Why couldn't WE make it work? Why wasn't I the answer? And even as I feel that I know that there was nothing I could have done to keep him sober. I KNOW that, my HEAD knows that. It's all part of it's brilliant argument. I think my heart is deaf. I hate him so much. And I love him just a little bit more. You people that tell me I am admirable or strong or inspirational couldn't be farther from right. I just wished a man I still love dead.
What if he was my penguin, my one shot at love?
What if I will never laugh with anyone like we laughed? What if no one ever sings to me like he did? What if no one ever takes the time to know me the way he does? I feel like I have loved him the way he will never be loved, so isn't it fair to assume the same for me?
He is the last man to truly love me exactly for who I am, what I look like, and every flaw. I am losing weight and no one else will ever love me at the weight I was like he did.
My ever logical head says that many people have felt the way I have felt, that I am not paving any new roads here. But I have never paved this road, so yes, this is new. And it sucks. It is truly the hardest thing I have experienced thus far.
I didn't plan on starting over at 30. I met the man I wanted to live out forever with 5 years ago. I was done. Maybe I am still done. No one can say what will happen. People can tell me all the sweet things they think are right to say or think they should say but it doesn't change the fact that my head jerks up at the sound of a motorcycle or the fact that I am so jealous of the people that get to see him everyday. I was supposed to see him everyday, that was supposed to be me.
When my doctor told me I needed this surgery or I could die, I chose death. I know that sounds so stupid but I did, I told Ryan that I was good with what I had been blessed enough to experience.
You know what Ryan? YOU told me you wanted to grow old with me. YOU inspired me to grow old with YOU. When I decided to get the surgery because of YOU, I had visions of being thinner and more active with YOU. Living longer with YOU. You asshole, I am on my own. I was satisfied with my life as it was, I was ready to be okay with hanging out with Jesus. And now, here I am without you. Because drugs seemed a better option than a life with me.
