Good luck- I had SO much to say!!
Also in May, I received a letter from Ryan. {This would be my ex-husband for those of you who haven't been following along. :)} This was my letter:
"Anna,
I just wanted to write you and let you know that I miss you, I think about you all the time and pray for you daily.
Love, Ryan"
Wow. Okay. I always knew he would try to make contact at some point, but you can never be fully prepared for when it happens. Also if you have followed along you would know that I have never stopped loving him. For a very long time I resented God, and Ryan, and his family, and MY family. Mostly because I had all this love for a man that couldn't stay true to our marriage by staying away from drugs and deceit. And everyone else got to be a part of his life and I felt betrayed. How could a father watch his baby girl slumped in his bathroom because she is crying and hyperventilating so bad she is throwing up and go to work the next day and show only love and grace to the source of my pain?? It took me over a year to realize that that's God's love for us shown through him. No father can humanly love the man that could have killed his daughter because of the way he was living his life. Isn't that crazy? The choices Ryan was making could have actually killed me. I always feel silly and dramatic when I say that word. But it's true. Weird. I am so grateful for my Mom and the rest of my family. How lucky am I to have so much love? Lucky, blessed, whatever it is, it's awesome.
So anyway, he wrote. And I wrote back. I don't remember what I said. But he wrote again, and so did I. I asked for complete transparency and honesty, and that's what we got. Completely open regardless of the outcome. And that was just it. It IS just it- I have been without him for over a year and a half. I am prepared for anything at this point.
More s'mores with Midge... More letters back and forth with Ryan. Then the phone call came. He called me at work. I didn't even recognize his voice. But it was good to talk. It's weird that I genuinely can't remember what we talked about. That's probably because of my nerves, and also because I have a TERRIBLE memory. I do know that it has all been very honest and he has made it clear that he wants the chance to fight hard for me. That he knows it isn't the easy road, and that he has so much to prove and that he can't wait to "win" me. That he is trusting God to lead him into the man God made him to be and that we really do have a love that could potentially survive everything. June was a lot of thought, prayer, and hibernating with the dogs.
Now let me tell you WHY I needed to wash the dogs. In June my best friend Tommy, who has been a brother to me since Jr. High, informed me that I MUST be there for his wedding in July. In Florida. Where crocodiles roam free. Where Bull sharks swim in the warm shallow waters at the beach. Where people were eating each other's faces. A huge plane ride away. I was politely trying to bow out when his bride to be, Ray, wrote me to say that Tommy was feeling the hole that was where his older brother Joey should have stood. That I needed to be there as his sister. Joey and Tommy joined the military ranks the day after the Sept. 11 attacks, Tommy to the Navy and Joey into the Marines.
So now you know why I couldn't say no. But how could I afford to go? What would I do with the dogs? How on earth could I get the time off? Well, my good friend and coworker Cheryl made it possible to get the time off, my good friend Tawni offered to take Whiskey, and my good friend Joe offered to take Bettie. On top of that, a few days later Tommy texted me to check my email. I did. And promptly cried when I saw that he had bought my tickets. He told me how important it was for me to be there. And if you ever meet Tommy you know he is quiet with his needs and feelings. He also has a younger brother Roger that you can't help but fall in love with the minute you meet him. In my mind he will always be like 9 years old trying to hang out with us! Love you Rog. Their parents, Becky and Jim, welcomed me into their family as Tommy's sister a long time ago. I have never felt more a part of a family that I wasn't technically born into. I absolutely treasure my Spence family.
So God used all these people to make it possible for me to witness my brother link his life to his beautiful bride and mother to their 2 gorgeous children. Know that THAT part made me excited.
I am not an experienced flyer. Nor am I good in new situations by myself. Also I struggle with major anxiety. ALSO the last time I had flown, it was on a tiny plane and I was so overweight I ended up having to use a seatbelt extender. I was terrified I would run into the same problem. So much so that on my first flight I asked for one before I even got to my seat. Guess what though? So didn't need one! (However - I was nervous enough to steal it and take it with me on my following flights. I am sure they don't miss it.)
Okay so first flight I am on. I sit in my seat, it's an isle seat so I am pretty stoked on that. Seem to have sat by a very nice young man that greeted me and asked how I was and such before asking me if I was traveling alone. I answered yes and he promptly asked if I would kindly trade seats with his girlfriend. Well, I didn't want to but how could I sit next to a guy I said no to for the next 5 hours? So of course I oblige, and of course it's a middle seat. Oh well, this is what the Xanax is for. So I get in my seat and to my left there is a nice older lady and to my right was a man about my age, cute with tattoos. So maybe this doesn't suck after all. But whoops, I already popped 2 Xanax and I pass out. I wake myself up hours later because I was talking in my sleep loud enough to wake up. I look over at cute dude who is staring at me and all I could do was apologize. Lame and embarrassed was I. BUT this started up a conversation for us, "where you headed?", "why are you going there?", etc. So this guy works on airplane engines. Says it's mostly for the military and the military is where he got his training. This led me to tell him why it was so important to be in Florida and go for Joey. I explain the helicopter crash and how it is still the single biggest loss of life at one time in this wartime. He pales. "What?" I say. He kinda takes a second and a few gulps and says "I was part of the unit to bring them home." Instant goosebumps and choked I said "like a ton of soldiers were there?" He says, "No, I was one of the six men to retrieve them."
Neither one of us had much to say after that. This wasn't even supposed to be where I was sitting. Here I am next to someone who brought Joey home. I truly believe God allowed Joey to let us know he was present for this.
So I got to Florida and got to spend an amazing week with this gorgeous family. I was blown away to even be in the family wedding pictures. The love there just blows me away.
So I get home. Only to find out a week or so later that I will need to move out of the house I am in. This also means finding my lovey dog, Whiskey, a new home. I never planned on keeping her when I rescued her, but she became the house dog and I fell in love with her. So what to do, I have 30 days to figure out how to get $ together for a deposit, find a place that takes Bettie, and move my stuff despite the doctors orders not to lift anything over 15 lbs. Yeah right. Well, this is where my good friend and coworker Cheryl came to the rescue again. Thank God for her help in this process. She literally packed up my life and coordinated with a couple guy friends to get my stuff moved to her place.
August:
Her townhouse is NOT built for that much stuff, me, her, and part-time even her 2 boys! We are waiting until September 8th when we can move into our new place off Westcliff with a pool! So excited.
Got to go to the Mountain Winery to see Brandi Carlile sing. Man that chick can sing and I had so much fun with my friends Kelly and Carmia and of course Sandy and Aiden, Kelly's Mom and Sister.
Presently:
As we prepare to move, I also prepare to be healthier and more active. I am quitting drinking. Yes. You heard it here. Alcohol has never gotten me anywhere awesome, and I wanna go to awesome places in life. I prepare my heart to be open to God's will and where He would like me to be. I have been back at church and I think I have found a church where I truly feel I belong. I wanna BE the person I can be. Why waste this one life and this one body? I am trusting that God gave me the heart He did for a reason.
If you seriously made it through all of this I applaud you. And there is a good chance I absolutely love you. My friends like Vanessa and Lindsey and others that have loved addicts maybe understand a bit my hesitance to leave Ryan in my past, but also my fear of letting him into my future. Guess time will tell where it all goes. What a ride life can be when you take the time to live it!
