80 down, much more to go!

So I am officially 80 pounds lighter than I was in December. Pretty sure a few of those may have been my heart. Have you ever thought of someone and your breath leaves your body? You have to force yourself to keep breathing for that moment. Thankfully those moments pass and it gets easier to breathe in between them. And the moments in between get larger and larger.

I am constantly reminded how blessed I am to have so much support from everyone. You guys are incredible.

I have some doctors appointments this week, I won't get into them, but if you think of saying a prayer for no pain and good results they would be appreciated.

Chocolate cake kills.

Ryan has been calling me at work. When I answer he doesn't say anything, and when Cheryl answers he asks for me and hangs up when she says I am not here. This has been for about a week. Then I got word that he will be heading this way (until now he has been living some 3 and a half hours away) to get some assistance with the whole get sober plan. This probably explains the phone calls. I am not sure how I feel about this. Don't get me wrong, I want nothing but success for that guy, I am very proud of him for getting help. What scares me is him being close by. Scares me that he will be close to a part of my family. (If you know the back story, you'll know why.) Scares me that he may want to make amends at some point. I have gone to very great lengths to not have contact. The saddest thing about us is that we are just plain toxic for each other. We had a chance and we spoiled it. WE spoiled it. What I have to cling to is that nothing says I have to have contact. Nothing says I have to do anything I don't want to do. I ALWAYS worry about things before they happen.
His parents are coming down here this week. How tempted am I to pass them Ryan's bills that keep piling up at my house that I will ultimately be responsible for? I truly do miss them, and I am so bummed for them because I know how much they only want the best for him. I will always love and appreciate the way they welcomed me into their family so easily.
I am not sure what my point was in telling you this. Maybe it's for accountability, maybe just to sort through my feelings and see them in print. I honestly don't know. I have such a weakness for him. Such a soft spot for his heart. But him for me literally threatened my life, and me for him became what allowed his downfall. I don't want that for either of us. Maybe he is like chocolate cake to me, and I am like drugs on a table to him. Both will end up killing us.
If you think about it, pray for my strength and my perseverance to keep bettering me, to stay on this course that I have begun navigating. And maybe to not be scared. I am strong enough, yesterday at a birthday party I didn't have any cake. So now as the cake that is as delectable as it is deadly moves into town, I can say no to that too.
Love you guys. XO

"Limbo"

When you have filed for divorce and you have changed your phone number so that your ex can't call you, what do you say is your relationship status? I am not officially divorced until December 16th... I don't consider myself married, and I don't consider myself single. So this is maybe what "limbo" looks like.
Surgery recovery is going well. I still get really sick sometimes, and I think I got too dehydrated the other day and it resulted in a "vision migraine". So I am trying to stay good on drinking what I am supposed to. When your stomach is the size of an egg it's tough to drink at least 64 oz of water per day. I still am not allowed to lift over 15 lbs. My incisions are almost healed. I have lost 20 pounds since surgery, but no weight loss for 2 weeks. So hopefully August goes by fast so I can get back into the gym.
So yeah, since I don't hear from Ryan anymore, I have had a few days that I haven't thought of him at all. That's a huge step for me. I don't miss "us" anymore. I have enough distance to see how bad the bad was. I will always remember how good the good was, unfortunately it just couldn't outweigh the bad.
My friend Kelly's son is having his 7th birthday party on Saturday and I am so excited to see them!
I have tomorrow off and then I work in San Mateo on Thursday as usual, then my weekend! Then I am working 10 days in a row so Cheryl can vacay at Lake Shasta. That'll help this girl's paycheck out! So I am going to try to relax as much as possible between now and then.
I am not sure what else to update you on... Work is good, the house is good- still clean, and constantly getting rearranged by yours truly... The animals are good. Family is good, the nephews went home last week. So stay tuned, this limbo can't last forever!