Chocolate cake kills.

Ryan has been calling me at work. When I answer he doesn't say anything, and when Cheryl answers he asks for me and hangs up when she says I am not here. This has been for about a week. Then I got word that he will be heading this way (until now he has been living some 3 and a half hours away) to get some assistance with the whole get sober plan. This probably explains the phone calls. I am not sure how I feel about this. Don't get me wrong, I want nothing but success for that guy, I am very proud of him for getting help. What scares me is him being close by. Scares me that he will be close to a part of my family. (If you know the back story, you'll know why.) Scares me that he may want to make amends at some point. I have gone to very great lengths to not have contact. The saddest thing about us is that we are just plain toxic for each other. We had a chance and we spoiled it. WE spoiled it. What I have to cling to is that nothing says I have to have contact. Nothing says I have to do anything I don't want to do. I ALWAYS worry about things before they happen.
His parents are coming down here this week. How tempted am I to pass them Ryan's bills that keep piling up at my house that I will ultimately be responsible for? I truly do miss them, and I am so bummed for them because I know how much they only want the best for him. I will always love and appreciate the way they welcomed me into their family so easily.
I am not sure what my point was in telling you this. Maybe it's for accountability, maybe just to sort through my feelings and see them in print. I honestly don't know. I have such a weakness for him. Such a soft spot for his heart. But him for me literally threatened my life, and me for him became what allowed his downfall. I don't want that for either of us. Maybe he is like chocolate cake to me, and I am like drugs on a table to him. Both will end up killing us.
If you think about it, pray for my strength and my perseverance to keep bettering me, to stay on this course that I have begun navigating. And maybe to not be scared. I am strong enough, yesterday at a birthday party I didn't have any cake. So now as the cake that is as delectable as it is deadly moves into town, I can say no to that too.
Love you guys. XO