Changes... Some good.

So here it is, however many moons since I have blogged. And AGAIN I promise to keep this blog going now that I have started again. This time I really hope I do. Feel free to hold me accountable!

I have so much to update you on- depending who you are that is, some of you may know all of this junk.

Where to start...

First thing you have to know- in case you don't already, I have always HATED doctors. That being said- for the first time in 10 years, 6 months ago, I went to the doctor for a regular check up and discovered that my blood pressure was so high I was at risk of having a stroke. Immediately they put me on blood pressure meds, of course. But then told me that weight loss surgery would be my only option, that it isn't humanly possible to lose the amount of weight I need to lose fast enough to get me out of the woods as far as my blood pressure was concerned. So I went home, with Ryan, and we discussed it. Honestly, without trying to sound too dramatic, I really didn't want surgery, I told Ryan- I have already experienced so much in life, it wouldn't be so bad to just go hang out with Jesus. But Ryan told me that he would support me and be there through everything but that he wanted to have a long life with me, so not having the surgery was not an option.

Okay, so I accepted that. All of a sudden I am at Kaiser at least once a week. Check ups, classes, surgeons, doctors, nurse practitioners, psychologists, etc... Hated every moment. Although, thankfully my mother is both retired and incredible, so she has accompanied me to almost every appointment.

I have lost 30 lbs. On my own. I have also quit smoking. On my own. Surgery is scheduled for July. So if you see me around in a year, you may notice I am half the person I was. ;) This is why.

On to other news. Ryan has unfortunately relapsed. Again. This time has been monumentally worse than ever. I made him leave our home. He has made no effort to change his circumstances. So, I am filing for divorce. I know I vowed in sickness and in health... And I know this is sickness. But in all reality his drug use and my constant fear even when he is sober has been slowly killing me. I can only take what I've taken so far. I absolutely love him and I hope and pray SO hard that he gets sober. I will continue to pray he becomes the man God made him to be- I know that man- I married that man- and it is unfortunate that this man is gone. But hopefully temporarily. But not for my sake. For his. I am done. I am not a doormat, nor a toilet. I will not be stepped on or shat on. I have learned so much in this journey to take care of me. I am of no good to anyone if I am dead. One doctor compared it to an airplane crash- when that mask falls down, you are directed to put yours on first before helping others. Same concept.

So Bettie and I are on our own. I can't tell you how thankful I am for that dog. Because of her, when I come home, I am greeted with such enthusiasm. On top of that, my friends that have stepped up to support me in this are blowing me away with unwavering compassion. My friends that aren't, the ones that have bailed? Those were never friends. So that? That's no loss in my book.

I am working at Paradise Valley Spas still, and they have actually promoted me when I thought this was a place that really had no room for advancement. I am treasured at work, and by my friends and family. It feels AMAZING to allow myself to be loved on.

I am ridiculously grateful. And so so blessed.

I promise to keep you updated throughout this process, ALL the processes!

Love and Hope