Somewhat overdue.

So I realized that I haven’t updated anyone on here since my last break down. Thankfully I haven’t had any since then and it seemed to have been incredibly therapeutic. I am happier than I have been in a very long time. Thank you for believing in me. If you have been, that is. :) I am strengthened by God and friends and the hope for a better heart that truly wishes the best for others while genuinely believing in myself.

A funny (actually sad) thing I am noticing as I get more clarity is that some people in my life that say all they want is the best for me and they want me to be emotionally healthy are the ones that struggle with my progress the most. Some people that say they don’t want me to be codependent are the ones that actually mean don’t be codependent with anyone BUT me.

I gotta be me. I gotta do my best and live a life that only I am responsible for. Because in the end I am truly only responsible for ME. No one else. If you stumble or ruin your life and blame it on me, guess what? YOU made your choices. YOU get to live or die with them. And same goes for me. I can’t blame anyone else for my choices. I made them- NO ONE ELSE.

If I have hurt you at any point, I am so so sorry. Somehow I didn’t believe myself to be capable of hurting anyone. In my mind I was too insignificant to have affected anyone in any way at all. But no one is exempt from the hurts they cause and I am no different. I AM TRULY SORRY.

Please let me know if we should meet up so you can hear me say it to your face.

I don’t want to be anyone that bitterly holds onto grudges and resentments. It only hurts me and hinders my progress in life. Yes, I have been wronged. So has EVERYONE else in the world. What good does it do for me to sit down and hold onto what eats away at me and destroys my spirit?

I like me. I forgot how fun I was, how much I love being around people. How much I love making people feel good. I’m learning how to do that without losing myself in the process and making sure I still get what I need. That is not easy but it has a lot to do with WHO I surround myself with. Just as much as it is hard for me to find a balance it gets hard for the people I am around to find the opposite balance and remember that I need some lovin’ too. :)

To update you on my life, I am moving in a few weeks. My friend Adam had a room available to rent in a house with what seems like incredibly cool people. Bettie will have a new German Shepard friend and a huge backyard to share. The house is gorgeous and I am looking forward to spending the holiday months with people in a warm, dry, bright house. I am still working in my same job, been back over two years now. Life is just flying by.

My divorce is final December 16th. It’ll be a rough day I am sure, but I will not struggle for the loss of a marriage. I truly don’t believe I had one. Some of you close enough know that to be true as well. It will be rough I think for the finality of something that at one point I had so much hope and belief in. Also maybe a new hope will emerge. A new hope that has already been born i

n my heart. The day will also mark 8 months on my own. Time to move forward. To keep moving forward. I love each and every one of you that has walked with me through the junk and the fun. And I pray good things are happening for you or will be soon. XOXOX