A week later...

There are many things that have happened in a week. I won't get into dramatic details. What is important is what I have learned. I learned that a disagreement isn't worth losing a relationship over. I learned that my life can be as peaceful as I make it. If I lose myself in the drama (that I didn't create) then I lose. If I can take that drama, pray for everyone involved, and for my own peace, then and only then can I keep peace.

There are so many changes in my life right now that it would be very easy to get lost. Instead, I choose to reinvent myself. I feel like I am a new purse- I can put everything I liked from the last purse in the new one, then add new shiny things to it too! (By the way, that is my favorite part of buying a new purse.)

On top of everything else, my car's CD player decided to go to heaven. And anyone who has been through a break-up knows that being at the mercy of the radio is dangerous. So I was able to run into Best Buy and use some of the points I have racked up there to get a new stereo. That has been a life saver in the middle of all this crap.

I also went to a salon and cut my hair, dyed it black and added blue highlights. I know. Most people try to limit these types of changes when the more emotional changes are happening. I prefer to do it all at once. And make positive changes that I can control, somehow it minimizes the larger ones I have no control over.

...and I am still smoke free. I don't weigh myself (I let the doctors) so I don't know yet how much more I have lost. I know I haven't been able to be as active because I have super hurt my back somehow. But there is my whining. Tomorrow morning Tawni and I are going to go to the gym and start our water aerobics class. I am excited and nervous.

Today also marks the first contact with me that any of Ryan's immediate family has attempted. Apparently when I emailed them, it was miscommunicated that I didn't want contact. That couldn't be further from my reality. Ryan's sister texted me - trying to help Ryan and I get back together. Now I totally get that this is her being a big sister and trying hard to get her little brother what he wants... However, there are SO many steps that need to be taken before there is hope for Ryan and I to get back together. Obviously he would need a substantial amount of clean time, first and foremost. And then there are more steps to take after that. And if those steps are taken, then we start over. Fresh. New. Pure. So my point is it will be a while. But I don't plan on writing him off, or putting my life on hold either. He can always contact me. The fact that we are signing divorce papers tomorrow doesn't mean I have written him out of my life. I will always love him and I will always care about his well-being no matter where life takes either of us.

So that's out. Sorry if that was mildly "rant-ish".

PS: I am proud of myself for blogging again the following week, let's hope I can continue it!

Love you.

Anna

Changes... Some good.

So here it is, however many moons since I have blogged. And AGAIN I promise to keep this blog going now that I have started again. This time I really hope I do. Feel free to hold me accountable!

I have so much to update you on- depending who you are that is, some of you may know all of this junk.

Where to start...

First thing you have to know- in case you don't already, I have always HATED doctors. That being said- for the first time in 10 years, 6 months ago, I went to the doctor for a regular check up and discovered that my blood pressure was so high I was at risk of having a stroke. Immediately they put me on blood pressure meds, of course. But then told me that weight loss surgery would be my only option, that it isn't humanly possible to lose the amount of weight I need to lose fast enough to get me out of the woods as far as my blood pressure was concerned. So I went home, with Ryan, and we discussed it. Honestly, without trying to sound too dramatic, I really didn't want surgery, I told Ryan- I have already experienced so much in life, it wouldn't be so bad to just go hang out with Jesus. But Ryan told me that he would support me and be there through everything but that he wanted to have a long life with me, so not having the surgery was not an option.

Okay, so I accepted that. All of a sudden I am at Kaiser at least once a week. Check ups, classes, surgeons, doctors, nurse practitioners, psychologists, etc... Hated every moment. Although, thankfully my mother is both retired and incredible, so she has accompanied me to almost every appointment.

I have lost 30 lbs. On my own. I have also quit smoking. On my own. Surgery is scheduled for July. So if you see me around in a year, you may notice I am half the person I was. ;) This is why.

On to other news. Ryan has unfortunately relapsed. Again. This time has been monumentally worse than ever. I made him leave our home. He has made no effort to change his circumstances. So, I am filing for divorce. I know I vowed in sickness and in health... And I know this is sickness. But in all reality his drug use and my constant fear even when he is sober has been slowly killing me. I can only take what I've taken so far. I absolutely love him and I hope and pray SO hard that he gets sober. I will continue to pray he becomes the man God made him to be- I know that man- I married that man- and it is unfortunate that this man is gone. But hopefully temporarily. But not for my sake. For his. I am done. I am not a doormat, nor a toilet. I will not be stepped on or shat on. I have learned so much in this journey to take care of me. I am of no good to anyone if I am dead. One doctor compared it to an airplane crash- when that mask falls down, you are directed to put yours on first before helping others. Same concept.

So Bettie and I are on our own. I can't tell you how thankful I am for that dog. Because of her, when I come home, I am greeted with such enthusiasm. On top of that, my friends that have stepped up to support me in this are blowing me away with unwavering compassion. My friends that aren't, the ones that have bailed? Those were never friends. So that? That's no loss in my book.

I am working at Paradise Valley Spas still, and they have actually promoted me when I thought this was a place that really had no room for advancement. I am treasured at work, and by my friends and family. It feels AMAZING to allow myself to be loved on.

I am ridiculously grateful. And so so blessed.

I promise to keep you updated throughout this process, ALL the processes!

Love and Hope