I sure wish life was easier... - I know everyone wishes that. I have been very lonely without Ryan. That's very hard to admit openly. I miss how we used to laugh so much together. I miss laying down with him at night. I miss starting and ending my days next to him. I don't miss his drama that became my drama. I don't miss the fear and anger. I have to remind myself that it all comes together. One package. I don't miss the hurt. But what sucks is, I live a life of fear, hurt and anger even without him. I have to find a way to let go... I feel like I have tried everything. I guess it just takes time. This month marks a year I have been without him, next month is our wedding anniversary. Awesome. They are just days, same as the rest of them. They'll come and go. I can either move forward as they pass or sit in my misery and watch life pass me by. I could say the obvious that I need to move forward, but to be completely honest, right now I am sitting in it. Not quite sure what to do next, kinda hoping I start to get up and dust myself off. I feel like I should be further in life by now. What have I done with my life that I can be proud of if it all ended today?
I gotta change some things.
<3
Honey - this literally brought tears to my eyes!! Saying goodbye to love is NEVER easy and we are never prepared for it. But you are right - in time you find yourself growing stronger and moving forward. And until then, don't be hard on yourself for being where you are at. I absolutely adore you Anna - and I am so thankful you are in my life!! You have so much love, laughter and joy that you bring to everyone (your little fur babies included!). The best advice I can give - that I don't take for myself and really should - is to open up to your friends when you feel you need to get it out. Don't lock it up inside and hibernate yourself away. This world needs a little more Anna, like we had on Sunday ;)
ReplyDeleteI'm here for you as much as you want/need.
xoxoxo
Thank you. So much. Everyone has their own things going on- you of all people know that so it means so much to read that. Thank you for forcing me out of hibernation for a day. :) Much love. XOXO And ditto on the here for ya part!
ReplyDeleteHey dearest Anna....Let your lonliness draw you close to Jesus. I remember the six years that I was in many ways "alone" on the campus of UOP and as a single young woman...there were times I would just lay on my bed and cry out to God. I told Him my pain & my frustrations and He would show up....everytime....wrapping His loving arms around me and comforting me like none other. The relationship that I cultivated during those "alone years" with the Lord has sustained me throughout my life. (and yes even when you are married and surrounded by children who love you....sat times you still feel alone & needy (if you are interested I wrote about a day like that a year or so back - http://bethlambdin.net/2010/08/19/my-deepest-desires/)
ReplyDeleteJesus is enough my dearest cousin! He can meet your every need. I pray you feel HIs loving arms around you today in a very special way.
Love & hugs! Beth
Thank you cousin. Very much.
ReplyDelete