A week later...

There are many things that have happened in a week. I won't get into dramatic details. What is important is what I have learned. I learned that a disagreement isn't worth losing a relationship over. I learned that my life can be as peaceful as I make it. If I lose myself in the drama (that I didn't create) then I lose. If I can take that drama, pray for everyone involved, and for my own peace, then and only then can I keep peace.

There are so many changes in my life right now that it would be very easy to get lost. Instead, I choose to reinvent myself. I feel like I am a new purse- I can put everything I liked from the last purse in the new one, then add new shiny things to it too! (By the way, that is my favorite part of buying a new purse.)

On top of everything else, my car's CD player decided to go to heaven. And anyone who has been through a break-up knows that being at the mercy of the radio is dangerous. So I was able to run into Best Buy and use some of the points I have racked up there to get a new stereo. That has been a life saver in the middle of all this crap.

I also went to a salon and cut my hair, dyed it black and added blue highlights. I know. Most people try to limit these types of changes when the more emotional changes are happening. I prefer to do it all at once. And make positive changes that I can control, somehow it minimizes the larger ones I have no control over.

...and I am still smoke free. I don't weigh myself (I let the doctors) so I don't know yet how much more I have lost. I know I haven't been able to be as active because I have super hurt my back somehow. But there is my whining. Tomorrow morning Tawni and I are going to go to the gym and start our water aerobics class. I am excited and nervous.

Today also marks the first contact with me that any of Ryan's immediate family has attempted. Apparently when I emailed them, it was miscommunicated that I didn't want contact. That couldn't be further from my reality. Ryan's sister texted me - trying to help Ryan and I get back together. Now I totally get that this is her being a big sister and trying hard to get her little brother what he wants... However, there are SO many steps that need to be taken before there is hope for Ryan and I to get back together. Obviously he would need a substantial amount of clean time, first and foremost. And then there are more steps to take after that. And if those steps are taken, then we start over. Fresh. New. Pure. So my point is it will be a while. But I don't plan on writing him off, or putting my life on hold either. He can always contact me. The fact that we are signing divorce papers tomorrow doesn't mean I have written him out of my life. I will always love him and I will always care about his well-being no matter where life takes either of us.

So that's out. Sorry if that was mildly "rant-ish".

PS: I am proud of myself for blogging again the following week, let's hope I can continue it!

Love you.

Anna

Changes... Some good.

So here it is, however many moons since I have blogged. And AGAIN I promise to keep this blog going now that I have started again. This time I really hope I do. Feel free to hold me accountable!

I have so much to update you on- depending who you are that is, some of you may know all of this junk.

Where to start...

First thing you have to know- in case you don't already, I have always HATED doctors. That being said- for the first time in 10 years, 6 months ago, I went to the doctor for a regular check up and discovered that my blood pressure was so high I was at risk of having a stroke. Immediately they put me on blood pressure meds, of course. But then told me that weight loss surgery would be my only option, that it isn't humanly possible to lose the amount of weight I need to lose fast enough to get me out of the woods as far as my blood pressure was concerned. So I went home, with Ryan, and we discussed it. Honestly, without trying to sound too dramatic, I really didn't want surgery, I told Ryan- I have already experienced so much in life, it wouldn't be so bad to just go hang out with Jesus. But Ryan told me that he would support me and be there through everything but that he wanted to have a long life with me, so not having the surgery was not an option.

Okay, so I accepted that. All of a sudden I am at Kaiser at least once a week. Check ups, classes, surgeons, doctors, nurse practitioners, psychologists, etc... Hated every moment. Although, thankfully my mother is both retired and incredible, so she has accompanied me to almost every appointment.

I have lost 30 lbs. On my own. I have also quit smoking. On my own. Surgery is scheduled for July. So if you see me around in a year, you may notice I am half the person I was. ;) This is why.

On to other news. Ryan has unfortunately relapsed. Again. This time has been monumentally worse than ever. I made him leave our home. He has made no effort to change his circumstances. So, I am filing for divorce. I know I vowed in sickness and in health... And I know this is sickness. But in all reality his drug use and my constant fear even when he is sober has been slowly killing me. I can only take what I've taken so far. I absolutely love him and I hope and pray SO hard that he gets sober. I will continue to pray he becomes the man God made him to be- I know that man- I married that man- and it is unfortunate that this man is gone. But hopefully temporarily. But not for my sake. For his. I am done. I am not a doormat, nor a toilet. I will not be stepped on or shat on. I have learned so much in this journey to take care of me. I am of no good to anyone if I am dead. One doctor compared it to an airplane crash- when that mask falls down, you are directed to put yours on first before helping others. Same concept.

So Bettie and I are on our own. I can't tell you how thankful I am for that dog. Because of her, when I come home, I am greeted with such enthusiasm. On top of that, my friends that have stepped up to support me in this are blowing me away with unwavering compassion. My friends that aren't, the ones that have bailed? Those were never friends. So that? That's no loss in my book.

I am working at Paradise Valley Spas still, and they have actually promoted me when I thought this was a place that really had no room for advancement. I am treasured at work, and by my friends and family. It feels AMAZING to allow myself to be loved on.

I am ridiculously grateful. And so so blessed.

I promise to keep you updated throughout this process, ALL the processes!

Love and Hope

Fun in the sun.

So this week we were in Modesto, soaking up sun and fun, having a blast with our Brinton family. We arrived Saturday night, and just left this morning, a week later. I commuted on the days I had to work-getting back late, but still managed to get in the pool everyday we were there. I am actually getting a tan, which if you know me, is not an easy task.
Our family in Modesto that we stayed with consists of Dave, Ryan's cousin, his wife Shanna, and their two kids, Taryn and Ailsa. Dave and Ryan are scarily alike, which makes Shanna my hero for having stuck in there for like a million years. Though they are 10 years older, we find we have a lot in common and never notice an age difference. We have so much fun, and I can't describe how comfortable I feel in their home. From day one, they have been so generous, loving, and fun. They've accepted me into the family as if I have always been there. I don't ever feel like "Ryan's wife", I feel like Anna, ME. When we walk in, I get the warmest welcome.
Ryan's Uncle also lives in town, and his grandma's nursing home is there as well, been a tough transition for Gram, but Ryan brightened her day with a visit.
On friday when I didn't have to work, Ryan and I took Taryn (9) and Ailsa (who turned 8 TODAY), to Mickey's Grove, a small zoo and park in Lodi. We had a blast making fun of monkeys and each other. Although we had a small carsick episode in the backseat, all turned out well, and we hopped in the pool as soon as we got home.
Basically, it was a blast. Going home tonight will feel like coming home after a vacation. But we will be staying there again next week

Things are good. Ryan and I will be moving soon, probably getting a one bedroom place in Campbell or San Jose. Someplace with a POOL. ;)

Excited for Vegas, even more excited to have lasted a year.

Happy 1 year anniversary to me!
Oh, and to Ryan. ;)
I cannot believe that it has been a year. I would love to say that it was the best year of my life. It wasn't- not traditionally, at least. Although, I went through more in that year then I have ever been through in my life's years combined. And I survived. WE survived. Came through the other side with a bond, a strong bond.
You know, the other day I read through the first chapter of the book I started to write when times were at their worst. Seemed like someone else's story. Could not have been me. I know I mentioned in one of my blogs how weak I thought I was. Honestly, I start to see what some people mean when they tell me the opposite. I am still not ready to call MYSELF strong, but I am understanding better where they are coming from. This next year will be Ryan's test of strength I think. Staying sober, living for tomorrow while somehow trying to make up for a lot of yesterdays. Maybe if I knew and understood better what forgiveness really looks like, it might relieve some of the pressure on him. The mean streak I have says this SHOULDN'T be easy on him, it wasn't easy on me. But the rest of me that loves him so unconditionally hates to see him struggle.
Marriage. A bond, yes. A choice, definitely. What that DAILY choice means to me?A partnership, someone to take on the world with. Someone that's always in your corner. That doesn't necessarily mean always on your side; we will disagree. However, in my corner means even when I am wrong, he will be there for me. And I need to be there for him. I need to work on my resentments, LIVE forgiveness. LIVE the ultimate example of selfless love.
We are going to Las Vegas for our 1 year anniversary. You know, the place that embodies monogamy. Ha! Nice. No. We will be poolside, relaxing, gambling, and meeting up with friends.

Happy Anniversary baby, here's to not just "many more" but to the rest of our years.

Crazy Person Thoughts... some ideas to blog about.

* "Insanity : Trying to solve problems, expecting different results, using the exact same methods. "

I think we are all using the term insanity wrong.

* Why do women insist on fighting about future events that haven't yet taken place?

(Although we all know it's because we know that that is TRULY what is going to happen.)

* Why do people poorly treat people based solely on their professions?

* Why when I am most angry at my husband does he call and decide to be uber sweet?

* What makes one person feel like they are any better than another?

* Why when I am SUPER grateful for something do I not express that gratitude?

... just some thoughts...

I love you. We are strong.

The very BEST thing you can do for yourself is think of any possible outcomes to the different decisions we can make, THEN make our choice. Decide what you want from life- what is your GOAL, how do you want to LIVE, what decisions can you make that get you to that end result that you want, that you DESERVE. I know what I want-I want a good marriage, I want to live without fear or resentment. I want to have fun with good friends. I want to be successful at work. Now I need to make decisions that support my goals, that get me closer to them everyday. One way to do this is write out the choices you have at any given moment- then write out what happens if you choose each particular choice. Which one lines up with your goals, with what you are looking to add to your life?
I just looked at what I wrote last time I was here... "...I hate that when Ryan comes home I seem to ignore everything else. I started this blog as a way to process everything, and when I need it the most is when I quit doing it. So here I am... Sticking to something I started while Ryan was away, trying to be the best me for me, and in turn, the best me for him."
Oh no. I so did it. I ignored my blog, my way of processing. BUT I have good news; things are good. Things are tough, but they are ultimately good.
Ryan is clean. On his own- he's been clean for months. I love it. We still have so many things to work through, but at least now we work through them as they come up instead of burying them with drugs and other issues. Don't get me wrong- life isn't all roses. But who's life IS? Guaranteed if you think someone has the perfect marriage or life, you haven't walked in their shoes. No one does, no one has it perfect. We all have our struggles, they just come in different forms.
My struggle lately? I am a bitch. Yeah, seriously. Never thought I could get as mean as I am now. Oh, I am still nice most of the time- but I discovered my mean streak- 29 yrs into this life I find it. Turns out it's been there the whole time, Ryan just tapped it. What a little miner he is. Put on his little miner hat, took his little miner axe and went to work to find my mean streak. He struck GOLD! I guess it's not so much gold as it is crap. Way to go love, way to go. Now it bubbles right below the surface. I can no longer bury it, so I am trying to balance it in a healthy way. Stick up for myself without bulldozing Ryan or anyone else.
Been watching a lot of 48 hrs, I can't believe how many spouses murder each other. I mean, yeah- no one can make you more crazy, but how does that present itself as an option? Holy crap. Not me, I can't imagine my life without Ryan.
My friend Tawni wrote me the other day - Ryan and I had spent a couple of hours at her house last Sunday- she told me that she can see why I held on as hard and long as I did. That she supports me no matter what my decisions are as life goes on, but that she sees why I love him so much. He is lovable. He is funny, handsome, protective, loyal, smart, helpful, the list goes on. I love that she saw in Ryan what I did. It meant so much to hear that. I was talking to an old friend I hadn't seen in a long time. I told him all about what Ryan and I had gone through in the past year. Let me tell you a little about this friend. He is strong, not just physically, but mentally. I was braced for him to tell me how very weak I was to not leave when things got as bad as they did. I waited for him to tell me how stupid (in a nice way of course) I am. How I should never have put myself in the place I did. I was absolutely taken aback when he said that he commended me for staying, that I was strong and that it was so "Anna Borden" of me. Wow. I think my trip is that I perceived myself as weak. I am carrying that baggage- and it turns out people view me as stronger than I view me.
My Ryan is back. But REALLY back- with arguments and all. But I take it all, that's what I did almost a year ago- took him, and everything that comes with him. As he took me and all my baggage. Doesn't mean either of us has to put up with unhealthy behavior, but it does mean that we take the time to try to make it healthy.
It is a very cool feeling to know that if Ryan and I weren't married, I would marry him today. That may not make sense to everyone, but it does to me. Months ago, I could NOT have said anything like that. But I hope that everyday I could answer that with the same conviction as I feel now. Being in love and staying content with each other is a choice. And it isn't a choice to put up with anything, or to be walked on, it is simply a choice to always TRY. Consciously TRY to make it work. Sometimes people will make choices that make it impossible to stay. And that, I understand. I have a close friend who's marriage couldn't be saved, and nothing she could have done differently would have changed that outcome. We can't control the decisions other people make- no matter how DUMB we know they are. I commend her. I commend me. I commend anyone that makes the DAILY choices to stay true, to stay loyal, and to stay on the path that we know will eventually end at our desired destination. We are where we have PUT OURSELVES. Not where anyone else has put us. Even if it is our reactions and changes because of SOMEONE ELSE's decisions, WE make our decision to stay or not to stay, to move in a new direction or not, NO ONE MOVES US BUT US.