Next stage...

Went this past weekend to see family and meet with Ryan to sign divorce papers he swore he'd sign. His only condition was that we would do it at the end of our time together. This made me nervous, and I let him know that if it came to the end of that time and he didn't sign, he would risk losing contact with me and that I would then proceed on my own with the paperwork.
He said it was worth the risk and he would sign. Foolish me. He didn't. So, no contact. And now I do it on my own. Which honestly, shouldn't surprise me since I've done 99% of it all on my own anyway. And I don't mean that in a martyr-like way. I chose to marry an addict- I chose to marry Ryan. I "knew" addicts were self-centered but didn't know what that meant on such a deep level as marriage.
DO NOT misunderstand me. I wouldn't change a thing. I do NOT regret marrying Ryan Gomm, and my heart will ALWAYS have a deep love for him.
If love and fun times could make a marriage, we would be the envy of the WORLD. Unfortunately it takes so much more.
I was so lucky to have a chance to love Sober Ryan, the Ryan who truly IS so amazing. Bummer that I didn't always have him though. And I can't be married to two different people. Wondering who I am with each day is exhausting. Trying to hold it all together on my own, go to bed and wake up on my own- it is not easy, but it IS making me stronger. Plus, my friend Cheryl is planning on helping me re-decorate my house some more to help the process.
My surgeon appointment is this Thursday, that is something I don't dread anymore, which also shocks me. Speaking of which, does a person ever run out the ability to BE surprised??
I got a kitten and that's been fun and distracting for me AND Bettie.
I got to see my surrogate brother Tommy James, his woman (who is with child again:)) and their daughter Cadence that I absolutely fell in love with all over again when she sat in my lap wrapped in a blanket for the evening.
Cheryl and I continue to sell mad amounts of spas and that has also been a blast.
And I can't wait for my friend Tawni's life to slow down a bit so I can hang out on her couch again. ;)
One day I hope I can inspire or help someone else because of all of this junk.
So that's where I am at today. XOXO

"Explex Delays"

Hi guys,
This morning was incredible. I got to meet Tawni and Paul's son, Brayden Randall Ybarra. So amazing - a whole new life began. Something so joyful is a welcome overshadow of anything else.

But I will update you- this has become a very easy way to let you know what is going on so every time I talk to you or run into you I don't have to go through everything. Which saves me, but mostly saves YOU. ;)
This past week was a roller coaster. I have a feeling weeks like that are definitely ahead of me still. On Tawni's street they are doing construction and they have spray painted on a board the words "EXPLEX DELAYS". Horribly misspelled, but I got it anyway. I have a feeling that sign was directed at me in my life at this time. I truly should give myself a break and expect delays, and drive cautiously through the construction that is my life.

I started going to the gym before work and it has been so much fun. Tawni showed me how to use the equipment. Yes, I needed someone to show me. I am already below my target weight that the surgeon wants me at before surgery.

At work, Cheryl and I have been selling so many spas we brought our Capitola store to the #1 selling store for April of our 8 Bay Area locations. SO that is awesome too.

Last Friday evening for some unknown reason, my Dad and I had a fight. Well, he yelled and I cried. I am not mad, I think in that moment it was clear that I am not the only one in the midst of divorcing Ryan. As much as it hurts to lose a husband, I am sure it is just as hard to feel like he is losing a son. My mom wears her anguish on her sleeve, I have seen her cry and grieve for Ryan. I think Dads hold themselves to some standard of no crying, no weakness. But if it is going to manifest itself in a rant against me, for God's sake man, CRY.

Last Saturday was a toughie. Ryan came to get his stuff, he moved out of town a week ago today. He brought a friend with him, like it couldn't get any more awkward than it was. We are going to meet up in a few weeks to sign papers. I know not everyone will understand this, but the only way I feel like we have any chance in the future is if we can get rid of the old. I hate who I became. I hate who he became. We both have a lot of work to do, and if we come together again in the future it would have to be a "start from scratch" situation, a real chance.

Then Tuesday was a real treat. It was our 2 year wedding anniversary. Dates aren't usually that significant but this one was a bit painful. Never expected to spend a wedding anniversary in 2 different area codes. Didn't expect much of any of this.

This weekend everyone is out of town but me. I have my dog and my Mom's dog, so we will see who survives. I am thinking it might not be me- I haven't left the compound until today, too scared to leave them alone for long. So at least I am all caught up on laundry, dishes, and I rearranged my living room, again. :)
Peace out guys, I am gonna finish up work and hopefully go love on the Ybarras!

Stalled...

Why on earth are some days harder than others, even without a tangible change from one day to the next? I am at my same job, that I drove my same car to, with my same music. My hair is done, my make-up in place, and on the surface I should be taking on the world. I joined a gym yesterday, I still have a clean house, and a clean car, my bills are caught up, and my gas tank is full.

Yet today, today sucks. I keep trying not to look at my left hand and the void on my ring finger. I try to stay strong and keep the brimming tears from falling and giving me away. I try not to look the nice people in the eye, for fear they will be filled with kindness and I might break. How can I ache for something that is so toxic?

Why couldn't I stop loving Ryan the moment he became someone else? Oh how much easier it would be if my heart listened to my head.

My boss just walked up and asked me how I am doing. Yeah, I lost it and had to run to the bathroom for kleenex. That's professional.

I do not get how 2 days that look exactly the same can feel so different.

I need a rescue, a hand, a break. I need to let myself grieve, but stay strong enough not to drown in it. And do I really have to grieve on the day I work with both of my bosses? Really? How fair is that?

It isn't.

As far as a weekly update, you guys pretty much got it in the first paragraph. Except for the follow up from last week on meeting with Ryan last Friday to sign divorce papers. Surprise: He doesn't want to sign. That I half expected. But nothing could have prepared me for how he looks. Did I mention I HATE drugs? The man I met with on Friday is NOT the man I married. Just thinking of how he looked shatters what's left of my heart. I truly hope he hits his bottom. I feel like his bottom must be so much deeper than most people's. I know I hit mine. And I know I didn't have to fall far to get to it.

So I have blogged 3 weeks in a row now, and with that- I need to go distract myself with something (anything) else.

Peace out, love you guys.