Next stage...

Went this past weekend to see family and meet with Ryan to sign divorce papers he swore he'd sign. His only condition was that we would do it at the end of our time together. This made me nervous, and I let him know that if it came to the end of that time and he didn't sign, he would risk losing contact with me and that I would then proceed on my own with the paperwork.
He said it was worth the risk and he would sign. Foolish me. He didn't. So, no contact. And now I do it on my own. Which honestly, shouldn't surprise me since I've done 99% of it all on my own anyway. And I don't mean that in a martyr-like way. I chose to marry an addict- I chose to marry Ryan. I "knew" addicts were self-centered but didn't know what that meant on such a deep level as marriage.
DO NOT misunderstand me. I wouldn't change a thing. I do NOT regret marrying Ryan Gomm, and my heart will ALWAYS have a deep love for him.
If love and fun times could make a marriage, we would be the envy of the WORLD. Unfortunately it takes so much more.
I was so lucky to have a chance to love Sober Ryan, the Ryan who truly IS so amazing. Bummer that I didn't always have him though. And I can't be married to two different people. Wondering who I am with each day is exhausting. Trying to hold it all together on my own, go to bed and wake up on my own- it is not easy, but it IS making me stronger. Plus, my friend Cheryl is planning on helping me re-decorate my house some more to help the process.
My surgeon appointment is this Thursday, that is something I don't dread anymore, which also shocks me. Speaking of which, does a person ever run out the ability to BE surprised??
I got a kitten and that's been fun and distracting for me AND Bettie.
I got to see my surrogate brother Tommy James, his woman (who is with child again:)) and their daughter Cadence that I absolutely fell in love with all over again when she sat in my lap wrapped in a blanket for the evening.
Cheryl and I continue to sell mad amounts of spas and that has also been a blast.
And I can't wait for my friend Tawni's life to slow down a bit so I can hang out on her couch again. ;)
One day I hope I can inspire or help someone else because of all of this junk.
So that's where I am at today. XOXO