Stalled...

Why on earth are some days harder than others, even without a tangible change from one day to the next? I am at my same job, that I drove my same car to, with my same music. My hair is done, my make-up in place, and on the surface I should be taking on the world. I joined a gym yesterday, I still have a clean house, and a clean car, my bills are caught up, and my gas tank is full.

Yet today, today sucks. I keep trying not to look at my left hand and the void on my ring finger. I try to stay strong and keep the brimming tears from falling and giving me away. I try not to look the nice people in the eye, for fear they will be filled with kindness and I might break. How can I ache for something that is so toxic?

Why couldn't I stop loving Ryan the moment he became someone else? Oh how much easier it would be if my heart listened to my head.

My boss just walked up and asked me how I am doing. Yeah, I lost it and had to run to the bathroom for kleenex. That's professional.

I do not get how 2 days that look exactly the same can feel so different.

I need a rescue, a hand, a break. I need to let myself grieve, but stay strong enough not to drown in it. And do I really have to grieve on the day I work with both of my bosses? Really? How fair is that?

It isn't.

As far as a weekly update, you guys pretty much got it in the first paragraph. Except for the follow up from last week on meeting with Ryan last Friday to sign divorce papers. Surprise: He doesn't want to sign. That I half expected. But nothing could have prepared me for how he looks. Did I mention I HATE drugs? The man I met with on Friday is NOT the man I married. Just thinking of how he looked shatters what's left of my heart. I truly hope he hits his bottom. I feel like his bottom must be so much deeper than most people's. I know I hit mine. And I know I didn't have to fall far to get to it.

So I have blogged 3 weeks in a row now, and with that- I need to go distract myself with something (anything) else.

Peace out, love you guys.