Getting nervous...

I want to start or at least continue chronicling my journey through this period of my life. I feel that nervous feeling when you are packing for a trip and you are SURE you have forgotten something.

I THINK I am ready for surgery, there is A LOT of preparation. This has not been an easy journey. I started all of this in November, and here I am, less than 2 weeks until my surgery and I have lost over 40 lbs, I have quit smoking, I haven't had caffeine, carbonation, or fast food. I exercise (when I am allowed), I take a million vitamins, 4 different times a day, and I am sure there is more that I have had to change.

I know that when I see people I haven't seen and I am smaller they will assume that surgery was an "easy way out". But I know better, so do the people who have had to put up with me through all these life changes. Surgery is a tool, and will help, but the major life long changes are mine to keep up.

So, I have my mushy foods, clean house... I am gonna be on my back for 2 weeks, and possibly throwing up the 3rd after surgery.

I have a few more pre-op appointments left, and then I will have to update on my progress as I heal. I would love to eventually put together a book (of sorts) with pictures and blogs, and then see this whole process in writing. So if this has gotten boring- you can stop reading! :) Sorry, probably should have warned you at the beginning! So rude of me.

XO

Who knew?

Holy Shit.

Yes, cursing is allowed today.

So last night Ryan and I signed our dissolution papers. I say dissolution because it hurts just a little bit less than the other "D" word. It was tough, but I think I was pretty numb to it all at that point, felt kinda relieved even. He had a tougher time.

But then this morning came. I woke up to my phone ringing. Ryan. Wanted to have breakfast. As much as I didn't want to get out of bed, I had just told him last night that I would always be there for him. So I pulled myself out from under my safe covers and met him. We ate and I had a little time before meeting my mom. He asked if we could go to the house so he could get some stuff, meet the kitten and hang out. So away we went.

It was a little awkward at first. He didn't have much to say so I tried making conversation but it fell flat. That was when I noticed the tears in his eyes. I went to him and we just held each other and cried silently. I didn't even think about how hard it would be on him to see the house and his dog and me and really just OUR HOME.

When it was time to go, I took him back to his bike and we kissed goodbye and promised to stay in touch. I met my mom and we headed to court to file the paperwork. It ended up being quite different than we expected, especially the part where you can't do anything in Santa Cruz, only Watsonville. Anyway- without the boring paperwork details when we walked away from the courthouse ($400 later...) , my mom who was there to be MY rock :) lost it. So I lost it. We lost it the whole way to the parking garage, up the elevator and to the car. Then we pulled it together and ran errands. Mom had to go to Target which was good for me because they had a lot of the stuff I needed to get ready for surgery and recovery.

She took me back to my car, I listened to "Who Knew" by P!nk and SOBBED the whole way home. I know we did the right thing, I truly do. It just isn't easy. I expected to think about my resentment, and our dating and married memories, maybe the good times, maybe I'd focus on the bad times. But all I have pictured in my head all day is my wedding on the beach. Just the sunny, happy day we committed our lives to each other. I know that people had their opinions, some were shared, I am sure some kept them to themselves. I know people didn't expect us to last long. I truly thought we could do it. And you know what? I do not put ANYTHING past God. Who knows what the future holds?

This is definitely not what I had planned for 2 years down the road.

Thanks for letting me therapeutically vent here.

XO

It'll take time...

This morning I woke up kind of sad. But sad for friends I have lost in the middle of my current life's "storm". Sad that I know they will return one day, and that I will have to tell them that though I forgive them and wish them only great things, I cannot be friends with them. I need "ALL-weather" friends. I need people that I can count on, people that can count on me. It is actually kind of ironic, without the people who have left, it's been a calmer storm.

I think this is MY fault. I have allowed so much of my own toxic behavior. I love to be a care-taker, to be empathetic. These aren't bad qualities, but when you take them too far WATCH OUT. I got to be the HEAVIEST doormat. :) But I (ME) laid down to be that doormat. "Sure I will take care of you when your world crashes, don't worry about me, I don't matter." I was an idiot. I have put myself on hold, my life, my time, my health, EVERYTHING. Ummm, how am I going to be who God designed me to be if I stroke out? :) God made me this HUGE heart and I have abused it. So as I clean out my life (bleach it) hopefully I can use this heart as He intended.

I don't want to take time for me and then forget everything else. I am scared to get "cold". I am scared I will stay on the outside to avoid getting hurt again. But everything I want from life sits on the other side of a lot of risks. So I hope to be braver. For God. For Me. For my friends who have taken a risk with me. So thank you so much for your friendship, for your empathy, for your encouragement. I know I couldn't have done this alone. And I am gonna only be asking for more! I am so needy now! Haha! XOXOX