Who knew?

Holy Shit.

Yes, cursing is allowed today.

So last night Ryan and I signed our dissolution papers. I say dissolution because it hurts just a little bit less than the other "D" word. It was tough, but I think I was pretty numb to it all at that point, felt kinda relieved even. He had a tougher time.

But then this morning came. I woke up to my phone ringing. Ryan. Wanted to have breakfast. As much as I didn't want to get out of bed, I had just told him last night that I would always be there for him. So I pulled myself out from under my safe covers and met him. We ate and I had a little time before meeting my mom. He asked if we could go to the house so he could get some stuff, meet the kitten and hang out. So away we went.

It was a little awkward at first. He didn't have much to say so I tried making conversation but it fell flat. That was when I noticed the tears in his eyes. I went to him and we just held each other and cried silently. I didn't even think about how hard it would be on him to see the house and his dog and me and really just OUR HOME.

When it was time to go, I took him back to his bike and we kissed goodbye and promised to stay in touch. I met my mom and we headed to court to file the paperwork. It ended up being quite different than we expected, especially the part where you can't do anything in Santa Cruz, only Watsonville. Anyway- without the boring paperwork details when we walked away from the courthouse ($400 later...) , my mom who was there to be MY rock :) lost it. So I lost it. We lost it the whole way to the parking garage, up the elevator and to the car. Then we pulled it together and ran errands. Mom had to go to Target which was good for me because they had a lot of the stuff I needed to get ready for surgery and recovery.

She took me back to my car, I listened to "Who Knew" by P!nk and SOBBED the whole way home. I know we did the right thing, I truly do. It just isn't easy. I expected to think about my resentment, and our dating and married memories, maybe the good times, maybe I'd focus on the bad times. But all I have pictured in my head all day is my wedding on the beach. Just the sunny, happy day we committed our lives to each other. I know that people had their opinions, some were shared, I am sure some kept them to themselves. I know people didn't expect us to last long. I truly thought we could do it. And you know what? I do not put ANYTHING past God. Who knows what the future holds?

This is definitely not what I had planned for 2 years down the road.

Thanks for letting me therapeutically vent here.

XO