It'll take time...

This morning I woke up kind of sad. But sad for friends I have lost in the middle of my current life's "storm". Sad that I know they will return one day, and that I will have to tell them that though I forgive them and wish them only great things, I cannot be friends with them. I need "ALL-weather" friends. I need people that I can count on, people that can count on me. It is actually kind of ironic, without the people who have left, it's been a calmer storm.

I think this is MY fault. I have allowed so much of my own toxic behavior. I love to be a care-taker, to be empathetic. These aren't bad qualities, but when you take them too far WATCH OUT. I got to be the HEAVIEST doormat. :) But I (ME) laid down to be that doormat. "Sure I will take care of you when your world crashes, don't worry about me, I don't matter." I was an idiot. I have put myself on hold, my life, my time, my health, EVERYTHING. Ummm, how am I going to be who God designed me to be if I stroke out? :) God made me this HUGE heart and I have abused it. So as I clean out my life (bleach it) hopefully I can use this heart as He intended.

I don't want to take time for me and then forget everything else. I am scared to get "cold". I am scared I will stay on the outside to avoid getting hurt again. But everything I want from life sits on the other side of a lot of risks. So I hope to be braver. For God. For Me. For my friends who have taken a risk with me. So thank you so much for your friendship, for your empathy, for your encouragement. I know I couldn't have done this alone. And I am gonna only be asking for more! I am so needy now! Haha! XOXOX