Excited for Vegas, even more excited to have lasted a year.

Happy 1 year anniversary to me!
Oh, and to Ryan. ;)
I cannot believe that it has been a year. I would love to say that it was the best year of my life. It wasn't- not traditionally, at least. Although, I went through more in that year then I have ever been through in my life's years combined. And I survived. WE survived. Came through the other side with a bond, a strong bond.
You know, the other day I read through the first chapter of the book I started to write when times were at their worst. Seemed like someone else's story. Could not have been me. I know I mentioned in one of my blogs how weak I thought I was. Honestly, I start to see what some people mean when they tell me the opposite. I am still not ready to call MYSELF strong, but I am understanding better where they are coming from. This next year will be Ryan's test of strength I think. Staying sober, living for tomorrow while somehow trying to make up for a lot of yesterdays. Maybe if I knew and understood better what forgiveness really looks like, it might relieve some of the pressure on him. The mean streak I have says this SHOULDN'T be easy on him, it wasn't easy on me. But the rest of me that loves him so unconditionally hates to see him struggle.
Marriage. A bond, yes. A choice, definitely. What that DAILY choice means to me?A partnership, someone to take on the world with. Someone that's always in your corner. That doesn't necessarily mean always on your side; we will disagree. However, in my corner means even when I am wrong, he will be there for me. And I need to be there for him. I need to work on my resentments, LIVE forgiveness. LIVE the ultimate example of selfless love.
We are going to Las Vegas for our 1 year anniversary. You know, the place that embodies monogamy. Ha! Nice. No. We will be poolside, relaxing, gambling, and meeting up with friends.

Happy Anniversary baby, here's to not just "many more" but to the rest of our years.

Crazy Person Thoughts... some ideas to blog about.

* "Insanity : Trying to solve problems, expecting different results, using the exact same methods. "

I think we are all using the term insanity wrong.

* Why do women insist on fighting about future events that haven't yet taken place?

(Although we all know it's because we know that that is TRULY what is going to happen.)

* Why do people poorly treat people based solely on their professions?

* Why when I am most angry at my husband does he call and decide to be uber sweet?

* What makes one person feel like they are any better than another?

* Why when I am SUPER grateful for something do I not express that gratitude?

... just some thoughts...

I love you. We are strong.

The very BEST thing you can do for yourself is think of any possible outcomes to the different decisions we can make, THEN make our choice. Decide what you want from life- what is your GOAL, how do you want to LIVE, what decisions can you make that get you to that end result that you want, that you DESERVE. I know what I want-I want a good marriage, I want to live without fear or resentment. I want to have fun with good friends. I want to be successful at work. Now I need to make decisions that support my goals, that get me closer to them everyday. One way to do this is write out the choices you have at any given moment- then write out what happens if you choose each particular choice. Which one lines up with your goals, with what you are looking to add to your life?
I just looked at what I wrote last time I was here... "...I hate that when Ryan comes home I seem to ignore everything else. I started this blog as a way to process everything, and when I need it the most is when I quit doing it. So here I am... Sticking to something I started while Ryan was away, trying to be the best me for me, and in turn, the best me for him."
Oh no. I so did it. I ignored my blog, my way of processing. BUT I have good news; things are good. Things are tough, but they are ultimately good.
Ryan is clean. On his own- he's been clean for months. I love it. We still have so many things to work through, but at least now we work through them as they come up instead of burying them with drugs and other issues. Don't get me wrong- life isn't all roses. But who's life IS? Guaranteed if you think someone has the perfect marriage or life, you haven't walked in their shoes. No one does, no one has it perfect. We all have our struggles, they just come in different forms.
My struggle lately? I am a bitch. Yeah, seriously. Never thought I could get as mean as I am now. Oh, I am still nice most of the time- but I discovered my mean streak- 29 yrs into this life I find it. Turns out it's been there the whole time, Ryan just tapped it. What a little miner he is. Put on his little miner hat, took his little miner axe and went to work to find my mean streak. He struck GOLD! I guess it's not so much gold as it is crap. Way to go love, way to go. Now it bubbles right below the surface. I can no longer bury it, so I am trying to balance it in a healthy way. Stick up for myself without bulldozing Ryan or anyone else.
Been watching a lot of 48 hrs, I can't believe how many spouses murder each other. I mean, yeah- no one can make you more crazy, but how does that present itself as an option? Holy crap. Not me, I can't imagine my life without Ryan.
My friend Tawni wrote me the other day - Ryan and I had spent a couple of hours at her house last Sunday- she told me that she can see why I held on as hard and long as I did. That she supports me no matter what my decisions are as life goes on, but that she sees why I love him so much. He is lovable. He is funny, handsome, protective, loyal, smart, helpful, the list goes on. I love that she saw in Ryan what I did. It meant so much to hear that. I was talking to an old friend I hadn't seen in a long time. I told him all about what Ryan and I had gone through in the past year. Let me tell you a little about this friend. He is strong, not just physically, but mentally. I was braced for him to tell me how very weak I was to not leave when things got as bad as they did. I waited for him to tell me how stupid (in a nice way of course) I am. How I should never have put myself in the place I did. I was absolutely taken aback when he said that he commended me for staying, that I was strong and that it was so "Anna Borden" of me. Wow. I think my trip is that I perceived myself as weak. I am carrying that baggage- and it turns out people view me as stronger than I view me.
My Ryan is back. But REALLY back- with arguments and all. But I take it all, that's what I did almost a year ago- took him, and everything that comes with him. As he took me and all my baggage. Doesn't mean either of us has to put up with unhealthy behavior, but it does mean that we take the time to try to make it healthy.
It is a very cool feeling to know that if Ryan and I weren't married, I would marry him today. That may not make sense to everyone, but it does to me. Months ago, I could NOT have said anything like that. But I hope that everyday I could answer that with the same conviction as I feel now. Being in love and staying content with each other is a choice. And it isn't a choice to put up with anything, or to be walked on, it is simply a choice to always TRY. Consciously TRY to make it work. Sometimes people will make choices that make it impossible to stay. And that, I understand. I have a close friend who's marriage couldn't be saved, and nothing she could have done differently would have changed that outcome. We can't control the decisions other people make- no matter how DUMB we know they are. I commend her. I commend me. I commend anyone that makes the DAILY choices to stay true, to stay loyal, and to stay on the path that we know will eventually end at our desired destination. We are where we have PUT OURSELVES. Not where anyone else has put us. Even if it is our reactions and changes because of SOMEONE ELSE's decisions, WE make our decision to stay or not to stay, to move in a new direction or not, NO ONE MOVES US BUT US.

I am doing it again...

...I hate that when Ryan comes home I seem to ignore everything else. I started this blog as a way to process everything, and when I need it the most is when I quit doing it. So here I am... Sticking to something I started while Ryan was away, trying to be the best me for me, and in turn, the best me for him.
I went to a woman's "life group" last night. There's like 20 women who get together weekly and support each other in growth and in prayer. We are going through a workbook called Making The Most Of Your Resources: How Do I Manage My Time, Energy, and Money? I am super excited. The ladies are awesome, when I look around the room all I see is potential for me to draw on wisdom and life experience from them. And not selfishly, I hope I will be able to bring something to the table. I am not sure what that is or could be but I know I am there for a reason. My prayer request last night was that I stick with the group as I know it is going to accomplish something life changing.
And yes, you read correctly, Ryan is home. He is clean, looking for a job and a sponsor. We decided to make Gateway our home church and hopefully get involved in the High School group sometime in the future. Right now our ministry is our marriage. I wonder with everything that's happened in this past year if we have even been able to go through what normal couples consider the hardest year of marriage? Like, is that still waiting for us or was that compounded into all the other crap? We shall see.
I am working on my book when I can- only on page 8 so far. I want to keep up on it weekly so it is a real account of happenings. I am working my codependency steps as I go through it, giving up a little more control each day. I am pretty stingy with it. Kinda like when Chopper gets something in his mouth he's not supposed to have and plays "dodge Mom while she tries to get it".
I absolutely adore Bettie, the new puppy. She sleeps with us every night.
I told my boss that for now my marriage needs to come first and that for a while I will not be working weekends as they tried to get me to. I signed on for Monday through Thursday. Thankfully he grudgingly agreed to it.
I think that catches me up. If you pray, pray for balance for me. Even if it's always a struggle, pray I keep struggling through it.

Still smokeless, but also out of steam...

Here is New Year's Eve. I feel kinda lost. I need to get back to me, to who I know I am and can be. I need to be the healthiest for me. I need to live like this...

1. We admitted we were powerless over others - that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and lives over to the care of God as we understood God.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being, the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other codependents, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

I am gonna go be productive now...

Happy New Year.

I want a stick.

I am dying today. So many highs and lows in the past 5 days that I think I am about to stall emotionally. Maybe even just break down. Ryan lied to me today about where he was. I was just getting to where I could see myself trusting him and building this new and healthy life together. I am so crushed. I don't really know why I am super surprised- it's not like he's cured, or even slightly finished with rehab but I kinda thought we were at least passed the lying parts.
I honestly don't know how much I have left in me. I guess we shall see- although sometimes I think Ryan is going to be the death of me, at least of my heart.
Christmas was the best. We were closer than ever, laughed so much. I would get headaches and stomach aches simply from laughing so hard. We laughed, loved, we did it all. It couldn't have been more perfect.
Then today he says he is somewhere he isn't. I have no clue if he used today or not. That fact doesn't even necessarily factor in. I cried and lost it in a coworkers office. Thankfully he understood and just hugged me. Hardest part is that I am staying at Ryan's grandma's house tonight- with his parents. I know they will ask me about Ryan and I don't even know what to say. I don't want to dissect why he lied or what he is doing or if there is hope. I don't want to see his Mom cry. I just wanna go there and go to sleep. I wanna sleep for a few days in fact. But that isn't possible. There is work and the dogs and life to tend to.
I want to smoke so bad, and I can't promise that I won't.
What a new year. 2009 can kiss my ass.

Me, Crazy?

Today I pick Ryan up around 3:30. I think I get to have him until Saturday evening. Yesterday we fought and I cried harder than I have in a long time. Pretty sure it was just built up tears that I was clearing out, making room for new ones to form their reserves. But I realized a lot, thanks to my Mom and Amber's wisdom. Here's a bit of what Mom said ... " For now, my advice would be to give him over, emotionally even, to TC. Let them have him - don't consider him yours until they are done with him. Like he's a turkey in the oven, roasting. And you're not the chef with the basting and seasoning mixes, TC [Teen Challenge] is. You might glance in the oven once in a while but do not open that oven very often; you let the heat out. " And Amber told me that no matter what happens, I am not a fool to stay hopeful. So I am thinking today I will tell Ryan that even though we can see each other now, we still need to do our own things. Just be a support when needed. It is so hard for me to see him and not be a "wife" with a say on everything. Sometimes I am too strong-willed for my own good. Never wanting to be one who doesn't get to put her 2 cents in... And by sometimes, I mean all the time.

Got a puppy on Sunday - some sort of pug mix. She has been a blast. So far her name is Bettie Page Gomm. Today is her first day home alone with Chopper. She is probably whining just loud enough to annoy only the surrounding towns. She seemed very sad to see me go this morning.

Still don't know our plans for Christmas- but oddly I am okay with that. I think I am really coming to terms with how obsessively I try to control and plan things. Hmmm. I may be crazy.