I am dying today. So many highs and lows in the past 5 days that I think I am about to stall emotionally. Maybe even just break down. Ryan lied to me today about where he was. I was just getting to where I could see myself trusting him and building this new and healthy life together. I am so crushed. I don't really know why I am super surprised- it's not like he's cured, or even slightly finished with rehab but I kinda thought we were at least passed the lying parts.
I honestly don't know how much I have left in me. I guess we shall see- although sometimes I think Ryan is going to be the death of me, at least of my heart.
Christmas was the best. We were closer than ever, laughed so much. I would get headaches and stomach aches simply from laughing so hard. We laughed, loved, we did it all. It couldn't have been more perfect.
Then today he says he is somewhere he isn't. I have no clue if he used today or not. That fact doesn't even necessarily factor in. I cried and lost it in a coworkers office. Thankfully he understood and just hugged me. Hardest part is that I am staying at Ryan's grandma's house tonight- with his parents. I know they will ask me about Ryan and I don't even know what to say. I don't want to dissect why he lied or what he is doing or if there is hope. I don't want to see his Mom cry. I just wanna go there and go to sleep. I wanna sleep for a few days in fact. But that isn't possible. There is work and the dogs and life to tend to.
I want to smoke so bad, and I can't promise that I won't.
What a new year. 2009 can kiss my ass.
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