Still smokeless, but also out of steam...

Here is New Year's Eve. I feel kinda lost. I need to get back to me, to who I know I am and can be. I need to be the healthiest for me. I need to live like this...

1. We admitted we were powerless over others - that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and lives over to the care of God as we understood God.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being, the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other codependents, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

I am gonna go be productive now...

Happy New Year.

I want a stick.

I am dying today. So many highs and lows in the past 5 days that I think I am about to stall emotionally. Maybe even just break down. Ryan lied to me today about where he was. I was just getting to where I could see myself trusting him and building this new and healthy life together. I am so crushed. I don't really know why I am super surprised- it's not like he's cured, or even slightly finished with rehab but I kinda thought we were at least passed the lying parts.
I honestly don't know how much I have left in me. I guess we shall see- although sometimes I think Ryan is going to be the death of me, at least of my heart.
Christmas was the best. We were closer than ever, laughed so much. I would get headaches and stomach aches simply from laughing so hard. We laughed, loved, we did it all. It couldn't have been more perfect.
Then today he says he is somewhere he isn't. I have no clue if he used today or not. That fact doesn't even necessarily factor in. I cried and lost it in a coworkers office. Thankfully he understood and just hugged me. Hardest part is that I am staying at Ryan's grandma's house tonight- with his parents. I know they will ask me about Ryan and I don't even know what to say. I don't want to dissect why he lied or what he is doing or if there is hope. I don't want to see his Mom cry. I just wanna go there and go to sleep. I wanna sleep for a few days in fact. But that isn't possible. There is work and the dogs and life to tend to.
I want to smoke so bad, and I can't promise that I won't.
What a new year. 2009 can kiss my ass.

Me, Crazy?

Today I pick Ryan up around 3:30. I think I get to have him until Saturday evening. Yesterday we fought and I cried harder than I have in a long time. Pretty sure it was just built up tears that I was clearing out, making room for new ones to form their reserves. But I realized a lot, thanks to my Mom and Amber's wisdom. Here's a bit of what Mom said ... " For now, my advice would be to give him over, emotionally even, to TC. Let them have him - don't consider him yours until they are done with him. Like he's a turkey in the oven, roasting. And you're not the chef with the basting and seasoning mixes, TC [Teen Challenge] is. You might glance in the oven once in a while but do not open that oven very often; you let the heat out. " And Amber told me that no matter what happens, I am not a fool to stay hopeful. So I am thinking today I will tell Ryan that even though we can see each other now, we still need to do our own things. Just be a support when needed. It is so hard for me to see him and not be a "wife" with a say on everything. Sometimes I am too strong-willed for my own good. Never wanting to be one who doesn't get to put her 2 cents in... And by sometimes, I mean all the time.

Got a puppy on Sunday - some sort of pug mix. She has been a blast. So far her name is Bettie Page Gomm. Today is her first day home alone with Chopper. She is probably whining just loud enough to annoy only the surrounding towns. She seemed very sad to see me go this morning.

Still don't know our plans for Christmas- but oddly I am okay with that. I think I am really coming to terms with how obsessively I try to control and plan things. Hmmm. I may be crazy.

28 days later...

2 days short of the expected 30 days, I got the best visitor at work. My husband. I love that kid so much. I seriously felt nervous before during AND after seeing him today.

It was wonderful to see him and feel him. It is going to be torture to go home without him tonight. I am counting down the days until Christmas like never before. I don't care about trees, gifts, anything but sitting with him in our house and enjoying each other.

I am glowing today. The man of my dreams, the love of my life. I am not gonna lie, there were times during his relapse that I thought I could easily fall out of love. I didn't. I am overwhelmed by the love I have for him. Plus, it doesn't hurt that the man has been lifting weights the whole time he was gone and is quite swollen. ;)

The cutest thing today was that he also looked nervous and couldn't stay out of touching distance the entire time he was here. I am very lucky to be loved the way I am by Ryan. Please keep your fingers crossed that I do indeed get him for the holiday and that the days between now and then are SPEEDY.

To boob or not to boob...

So I am one of 3 daughters. 3 rather... chesty daughters. In the last couple months our accumulative breast size has reduced drastically. My middle sister had a double mastectomy, my oldest sister just came through with a breast reduction. And here I am, with what I was given, wondering if I am thinking I am invincible. Maybe I am just doing my favorite bit I like to call "Bury my head in the sand", brought to you by the makers of "A.D.D." and "Ignorance is Bliss".

Longest week, EVER.

Could be the fact that I know I will be in Ryan's arms one week from today. Could be that I can't wait for him to see everything I have done to the house, including the fact that Christmas itself has puked all over the house thanks to the dollar store and Amber.

I was late to work today because I missed my exit. Ended up in some neighborhood that when I actually got to work, everyone was freaking out because apparently it's a TERRIBLE neighborhood to visit, let alone to be lost in. Oh well, I am alive and well, and at work now.

It is kind of ridiculous how spoiled I feel I have been this last month. I have been regularly blown away by peoples kindness. Without my family, Ryan's family, and my friend family, the people who have encouraged me, loved on me, and surprised me constantly with their kindness and willingness to help with anything, I don't know that I would have been able to do this.

I count myself lucky to know the people I do.

I love you.

First time... Again...

So a friend suggested blogging... Don't know if that was for my own benefit or hers. I tend to have a lot to say. About everything. Always. Staying quiet has never been a strength I could lay claim to.
But what to start with? I could do an attention grabber... Like...
My husband is currently in a drug rehabilitation facility.
Yeah, i usually get that reaction. I gotta say, it's kind of freeing to inform you of that via blog. Then I don't have to SEE your reaction. Nice people are sympathetic, judgemental people do this weird nodding thing. And I have yet to decide which one feels crappier.
Lately I have had the urge to really just spill shocking details. Just to play with people. Some people just don't get that we all have demons, and someone who is big enough to go to rehab for theirs is further along in life than 99% of the rest of us. Or maybe they get that everyone ELSE does- but definitely NOT them. People are funny. Here's another attention grabber...
WE ALL SUCK. We All Screw Up. DAILY.
It's called the human condition. But back to my husband, Ryan.
Because of drugs, I will have lived apart from my husband more in this year, our first year of marriage, more than I have lived with him. Sad huh? Newlyweds? Poor me? Nah. I am so proud of that guy. Never been more in love with someone in my life.
It has shocked me lately to see how stereotyped drug use is. And the funny thing is, it's almost always a different idea of what "addict" means. In Ryan's case, he found an option to press a "screw it" button and not deal with life. Guaranteed anyone who had said button would ALSO push it. It's just a matter of whether or not that particular button was an option for you. For me it isn't. For Ryan, it's a very appealing button. And with the year we had, I was looking for my own personal "screw it" button.

A good friend died of the big "C" word.
Chainsaw accidents.
My husband's Grandfather, his hero, died.
We got married.
We moved.
Motorcycle accidents.
One sister has a double mastectomy, the other a similar procedure.
Friends, mentors relapsed.
We changed jobs.
I got pregnant.
I stopped being pregnant.

Yeah, and I am pretty sure there is more, I just have blocked it.
I went to the doctor and started on anti-anxiety medicine. Ryan did the same thing- minus the doctor's visit.
My first 30 days without Ryan have been the hardest, probably because in that time I am not allowed any kind of contact. This is the longest I have gone without seeing him or hearing him since the day I met him. I have spent the time working more days, always ready to cover ANY shifts. I also rearranged our entire house. I want the newest freshest start I can have with Ryan when he is finished. I will not officially live with my husband for close to 9 months.
None of this information spilling is an attempt at acquiring sympathy. This is me processing, and filling you in at the same time. I am not looking for your sympathy, nor am I looking for your judgement.

I love Ryan so much. And I know he loves me. He gets me. He knows what I need when I need it and honestly does his best to be exactly that. Sometimes he takes on too much, as we all do.

Anyway, I am sure I will end up having enough to blog about from day to day.
;0)