80 down, much more to go!

So I am officially 80 pounds lighter than I was in December. Pretty sure a few of those may have been my heart. Have you ever thought of someone and your breath leaves your body? You have to force yourself to keep breathing for that moment. Thankfully those moments pass and it gets easier to breathe in between them. And the moments in between get larger and larger.

I am constantly reminded how blessed I am to have so much support from everyone. You guys are incredible.

I have some doctors appointments this week, I won't get into them, but if you think of saying a prayer for no pain and good results they would be appreciated.

Chocolate cake kills.

Ryan has been calling me at work. When I answer he doesn't say anything, and when Cheryl answers he asks for me and hangs up when she says I am not here. This has been for about a week. Then I got word that he will be heading this way (until now he has been living some 3 and a half hours away) to get some assistance with the whole get sober plan. This probably explains the phone calls. I am not sure how I feel about this. Don't get me wrong, I want nothing but success for that guy, I am very proud of him for getting help. What scares me is him being close by. Scares me that he will be close to a part of my family. (If you know the back story, you'll know why.) Scares me that he may want to make amends at some point. I have gone to very great lengths to not have contact. The saddest thing about us is that we are just plain toxic for each other. We had a chance and we spoiled it. WE spoiled it. What I have to cling to is that nothing says I have to have contact. Nothing says I have to do anything I don't want to do. I ALWAYS worry about things before they happen.
His parents are coming down here this week. How tempted am I to pass them Ryan's bills that keep piling up at my house that I will ultimately be responsible for? I truly do miss them, and I am so bummed for them because I know how much they only want the best for him. I will always love and appreciate the way they welcomed me into their family so easily.
I am not sure what my point was in telling you this. Maybe it's for accountability, maybe just to sort through my feelings and see them in print. I honestly don't know. I have such a weakness for him. Such a soft spot for his heart. But him for me literally threatened my life, and me for him became what allowed his downfall. I don't want that for either of us. Maybe he is like chocolate cake to me, and I am like drugs on a table to him. Both will end up killing us.
If you think about it, pray for my strength and my perseverance to keep bettering me, to stay on this course that I have begun navigating. And maybe to not be scared. I am strong enough, yesterday at a birthday party I didn't have any cake. So now as the cake that is as delectable as it is deadly moves into town, I can say no to that too.
Love you guys. XO

"Limbo"

When you have filed for divorce and you have changed your phone number so that your ex can't call you, what do you say is your relationship status? I am not officially divorced until December 16th... I don't consider myself married, and I don't consider myself single. So this is maybe what "limbo" looks like.
Surgery recovery is going well. I still get really sick sometimes, and I think I got too dehydrated the other day and it resulted in a "vision migraine". So I am trying to stay good on drinking what I am supposed to. When your stomach is the size of an egg it's tough to drink at least 64 oz of water per day. I still am not allowed to lift over 15 lbs. My incisions are almost healed. I have lost 20 pounds since surgery, but no weight loss for 2 weeks. So hopefully August goes by fast so I can get back into the gym.
So yeah, since I don't hear from Ryan anymore, I have had a few days that I haven't thought of him at all. That's a huge step for me. I don't miss "us" anymore. I have enough distance to see how bad the bad was. I will always remember how good the good was, unfortunately it just couldn't outweigh the bad.
My friend Kelly's son is having his 7th birthday party on Saturday and I am so excited to see them!
I have tomorrow off and then I work in San Mateo on Thursday as usual, then my weekend! Then I am working 10 days in a row so Cheryl can vacay at Lake Shasta. That'll help this girl's paycheck out! So I am going to try to relax as much as possible between now and then.
I am not sure what else to update you on... Work is good, the house is good- still clean, and constantly getting rearranged by yours truly... The animals are good. Family is good, the nephews went home last week. So stay tuned, this limbo can't last forever!

Update: Ready to start my life.

I feel like I am ready. Ready to be wiser, more active, and LIVE.

My whole life I have had to touch the fire 2-10 times to truly learn it burns. I don't want to waste my time making the same mistakes anymore. I am making so many huge changes, it would be such a waste to make my old mistakes all over again.

I have cut off all communication with Ryan. He started using more often and when he did so he would seek me out to verbally attack me. On a phone I paid for. So, I shut that phone off and changed my number. I have to stand up for me. I know most of his family have cut me off from any communication because of it. That's been really hard to lose a whole family- but I know it is because of their codependency, and I understand being charmed by Ryan (as I was for so long). He is their son and brother, I was only the wife. I get that.

I am looking forward to December. I will be officially divorced, I am thinking of getting a new car then, and possibly putting myself on something like EHarmony.com. Who knows?! I am gonna step out of my comfort zone and dating after this many years is definitely out of that zone. :)

I am recovering well, my stomach is adjusting to some solid foods. I feel ready to get back to work - I even bought a lunch box. True story. I go back this coming Sunday.

If you want to hang out, let me know! XOXO

Home and Pain...

So I am alive and that's a plus. Pretty sure I lost 4 lbs since I have been home. Totals me to 50 lbs down I believe since I started this journey. So there is that. But holy crap. The amount of gas they fill you up with to do laproscopic surgery on your stomach is no joke. The day after I got home I stopped the pain meds since they seemed to make me sicker. So that may be part of the pain problem too. The pain meds have to be in liquid form and my surgeon doesn't seem to think I need anything else. Sweet.

Each day is better, even if only a little. So I keep waiting for days to pass. :)

My first surgery and I can honestly say - I never want to have another surgery ever. Everything went well as far as the surgery goes, but I am not surprised- I trusted my surgeon to get the job done right. :) But man. No bueno!

The day before surgery, Ryan called and asked if he could come be with me at the hospital. Like an idiot I say yes, and get excited, and call the hospital to make sure he can stay in my room. Well, he decided later that it wouldn't work for him to come. I get it, just wish he hadn't gotten my hopes up. Never quite got how to make me feel important. :( BUT, I am okay! And it's probably better that I did it on my own (the overnight part anyway). My parents were awesome support and continue to be. Jen has been so incredible too, helping out since Mom also just had back surgery and can't drive. The nephews are in town and they have been very sweet as well. Tawni is going to take me to Safeway tonight since it doesn't seem like anything I have gotten to eat is sitting well. Don't know if it's the food or if it's ME. :) I also met the girl who my surgeon operated on right before me. She has been such incredible support via email and Facebook. Crazy that we met across the hall from each other in South San Francisco, but she lives in San Jose, works in Santa Cruz, and we have a couple mutual Facebook friends. Small world! I am so glad I met her.

I am excited to see the next chapter as it's being written. I constantly have to remind myself I am stronger than I know, I can do what I set my mind to, and I WILL be ok. :)

Thank you so much to my friends that have stayed in touch- the Facebook love and texts have really meant so much, you'll never know.

Getting nervous...

I want to start or at least continue chronicling my journey through this period of my life. I feel that nervous feeling when you are packing for a trip and you are SURE you have forgotten something.

I THINK I am ready for surgery, there is A LOT of preparation. This has not been an easy journey. I started all of this in November, and here I am, less than 2 weeks until my surgery and I have lost over 40 lbs, I have quit smoking, I haven't had caffeine, carbonation, or fast food. I exercise (when I am allowed), I take a million vitamins, 4 different times a day, and I am sure there is more that I have had to change.

I know that when I see people I haven't seen and I am smaller they will assume that surgery was an "easy way out". But I know better, so do the people who have had to put up with me through all these life changes. Surgery is a tool, and will help, but the major life long changes are mine to keep up.

So, I have my mushy foods, clean house... I am gonna be on my back for 2 weeks, and possibly throwing up the 3rd after surgery.

I have a few more pre-op appointments left, and then I will have to update on my progress as I heal. I would love to eventually put together a book (of sorts) with pictures and blogs, and then see this whole process in writing. So if this has gotten boring- you can stop reading! :) Sorry, probably should have warned you at the beginning! So rude of me.

XO

Who knew?

Holy Shit.

Yes, cursing is allowed today.

So last night Ryan and I signed our dissolution papers. I say dissolution because it hurts just a little bit less than the other "D" word. It was tough, but I think I was pretty numb to it all at that point, felt kinda relieved even. He had a tougher time.

But then this morning came. I woke up to my phone ringing. Ryan. Wanted to have breakfast. As much as I didn't want to get out of bed, I had just told him last night that I would always be there for him. So I pulled myself out from under my safe covers and met him. We ate and I had a little time before meeting my mom. He asked if we could go to the house so he could get some stuff, meet the kitten and hang out. So away we went.

It was a little awkward at first. He didn't have much to say so I tried making conversation but it fell flat. That was when I noticed the tears in his eyes. I went to him and we just held each other and cried silently. I didn't even think about how hard it would be on him to see the house and his dog and me and really just OUR HOME.

When it was time to go, I took him back to his bike and we kissed goodbye and promised to stay in touch. I met my mom and we headed to court to file the paperwork. It ended up being quite different than we expected, especially the part where you can't do anything in Santa Cruz, only Watsonville. Anyway- without the boring paperwork details when we walked away from the courthouse ($400 later...) , my mom who was there to be MY rock :) lost it. So I lost it. We lost it the whole way to the parking garage, up the elevator and to the car. Then we pulled it together and ran errands. Mom had to go to Target which was good for me because they had a lot of the stuff I needed to get ready for surgery and recovery.

She took me back to my car, I listened to "Who Knew" by P!nk and SOBBED the whole way home. I know we did the right thing, I truly do. It just isn't easy. I expected to think about my resentment, and our dating and married memories, maybe the good times, maybe I'd focus on the bad times. But all I have pictured in my head all day is my wedding on the beach. Just the sunny, happy day we committed our lives to each other. I know that people had their opinions, some were shared, I am sure some kept them to themselves. I know people didn't expect us to last long. I truly thought we could do it. And you know what? I do not put ANYTHING past God. Who knows what the future holds?

This is definitely not what I had planned for 2 years down the road.

Thanks for letting me therapeutically vent here.

XO