Somewhat overdue.

So I realized that I haven’t updated anyone on here since my last break down. Thankfully I haven’t had any since then and it seemed to have been incredibly therapeutic. I am happier than I have been in a very long time. Thank you for believing in me. If you have been, that is. :) I am strengthened by God and friends and the hope for a better heart that truly wishes the best for others while genuinely believing in myself.

A funny (actually sad) thing I am noticing as I get more clarity is that some people in my life that say all they want is the best for me and they want me to be emotionally healthy are the ones that struggle with my progress the most. Some people that say they don’t want me to be codependent are the ones that actually mean don’t be codependent with anyone BUT me.

I gotta be me. I gotta do my best and live a life that only I am responsible for. Because in the end I am truly only responsible for ME. No one else. If you stumble or ruin your life and blame it on me, guess what? YOU made your choices. YOU get to live or die with them. And same goes for me. I can’t blame anyone else for my choices. I made them- NO ONE ELSE.

If I have hurt you at any point, I am so so sorry. Somehow I didn’t believe myself to be capable of hurting anyone. In my mind I was too insignificant to have affected anyone in any way at all. But no one is exempt from the hurts they cause and I am no different. I AM TRULY SORRY.

Please let me know if we should meet up so you can hear me say it to your face.

I don’t want to be anyone that bitterly holds onto grudges and resentments. It only hurts me and hinders my progress in life. Yes, I have been wronged. So has EVERYONE else in the world. What good does it do for me to sit down and hold onto what eats away at me and destroys my spirit?

I like me. I forgot how fun I was, how much I love being around people. How much I love making people feel good. I’m learning how to do that without losing myself in the process and making sure I still get what I need. That is not easy but it has a lot to do with WHO I surround myself with. Just as much as it is hard for me to find a balance it gets hard for the people I am around to find the opposite balance and remember that I need some lovin’ too. :)

To update you on my life, I am moving in a few weeks. My friend Adam had a room available to rent in a house with what seems like incredibly cool people. Bettie will have a new German Shepard friend and a huge backyard to share. The house is gorgeous and I am looking forward to spending the holiday months with people in a warm, dry, bright house. I am still working in my same job, been back over two years now. Life is just flying by.

My divorce is final December 16th. It’ll be a rough day I am sure, but I will not struggle for the loss of a marriage. I truly don’t believe I had one. Some of you close enough know that to be true as well. It will be rough I think for the finality of something that at one point I had so much hope and belief in. Also maybe a new hope will emerge. A new hope that has already been born i

n my heart. The day will also mark 8 months on my own. Time to move forward. To keep moving forward. I love each and every one of you that has walked with me through the junk and the fun. And I pray good things are happening for you or will be soon. XOXOX

A low point. Be gentle.

I miss him so much my whole body aches for him. Until him I didn't truly understand what it meant to literally lose your breath at the thought of someone. My head is not conflicted. My head knows that there aren't any options for us. No good ones anyway. But God, please let my heart hear the argument my head makes, because it's a good one.

I have never felt like a worse person, I genuinely have dark thoughts about it being easier if he were dead. Even writing that is so truly embarrassing but I am here to chronicle my journey. What's the point if I can't be raw and honest? I also want so much for him. I want him to be sober and happy and truly have a fair shot in life and love and to be married one day with a family that he stays sober for. And yet I know that even that will break my heart. Why couldn't WE make it work? Why wasn't I the answer? And even as I feel that I know that there was nothing I could have done to keep him sober. I KNOW that, my HEAD knows that. It's all part of it's brilliant argument. I think my heart is deaf. I hate him so much. And I love him just a little bit more. You people that tell me I am admirable or strong or inspirational couldn't be farther from right. I just wished a man I still love dead.

What if he was my penguin, my one shot at love?

What if I will never laugh with anyone like we laughed? What if no one ever sings to me like he did? What if no one ever takes the time to know me the way he does? I feel like I have loved him the way he will never be loved, so isn't it fair to assume the same for me?

He is the last man to truly love me exactly for who I am, what I look like, and every flaw. I am losing weight and no one else will ever love me at the weight I was like he did.

My ever logical head says that many people have felt the way I have felt, that I am not paving any new roads here. But I have never paved this road, so yes, this is new. And it sucks. It is truly the hardest thing I have experienced thus far.

I didn't plan on starting over at 30. I met the man I wanted to live out forever with 5 years ago. I was done. Maybe I am still done. No one can say what will happen. People can tell me all the sweet things they think are right to say or think they should say but it doesn't change the fact that my head jerks up at the sound of a motorcycle or the fact that I am so jealous of the people that get to see him everyday. I was supposed to see him everyday, that was supposed to be me.

When my doctor told me I needed this surgery or I could die, I chose death. I know that sounds so stupid but I did, I told Ryan that I was good with what I had been blessed enough to experience.

You know what Ryan? YOU told me you wanted to grow old with me. YOU inspired me to grow old with YOU. When I decided to get the surgery because of YOU, I had visions of being thinner and more active with YOU. Living longer with YOU. You asshole, I am on my own. I was satisfied with my life as it was, I was ready to be okay with hanging out with Jesus. And now, here I am without you. Because drugs seemed a better option than a life with me.

80 down, much more to go!

So I am officially 80 pounds lighter than I was in December. Pretty sure a few of those may have been my heart. Have you ever thought of someone and your breath leaves your body? You have to force yourself to keep breathing for that moment. Thankfully those moments pass and it gets easier to breathe in between them. And the moments in between get larger and larger.

I am constantly reminded how blessed I am to have so much support from everyone. You guys are incredible.

I have some doctors appointments this week, I won't get into them, but if you think of saying a prayer for no pain and good results they would be appreciated.

Chocolate cake kills.

Ryan has been calling me at work. When I answer he doesn't say anything, and when Cheryl answers he asks for me and hangs up when she says I am not here. This has been for about a week. Then I got word that he will be heading this way (until now he has been living some 3 and a half hours away) to get some assistance with the whole get sober plan. This probably explains the phone calls. I am not sure how I feel about this. Don't get me wrong, I want nothing but success for that guy, I am very proud of him for getting help. What scares me is him being close by. Scares me that he will be close to a part of my family. (If you know the back story, you'll know why.) Scares me that he may want to make amends at some point. I have gone to very great lengths to not have contact. The saddest thing about us is that we are just plain toxic for each other. We had a chance and we spoiled it. WE spoiled it. What I have to cling to is that nothing says I have to have contact. Nothing says I have to do anything I don't want to do. I ALWAYS worry about things before they happen.
His parents are coming down here this week. How tempted am I to pass them Ryan's bills that keep piling up at my house that I will ultimately be responsible for? I truly do miss them, and I am so bummed for them because I know how much they only want the best for him. I will always love and appreciate the way they welcomed me into their family so easily.
I am not sure what my point was in telling you this. Maybe it's for accountability, maybe just to sort through my feelings and see them in print. I honestly don't know. I have such a weakness for him. Such a soft spot for his heart. But him for me literally threatened my life, and me for him became what allowed his downfall. I don't want that for either of us. Maybe he is like chocolate cake to me, and I am like drugs on a table to him. Both will end up killing us.
If you think about it, pray for my strength and my perseverance to keep bettering me, to stay on this course that I have begun navigating. And maybe to not be scared. I am strong enough, yesterday at a birthday party I didn't have any cake. So now as the cake that is as delectable as it is deadly moves into town, I can say no to that too.
Love you guys. XO

"Limbo"

When you have filed for divorce and you have changed your phone number so that your ex can't call you, what do you say is your relationship status? I am not officially divorced until December 16th... I don't consider myself married, and I don't consider myself single. So this is maybe what "limbo" looks like.
Surgery recovery is going well. I still get really sick sometimes, and I think I got too dehydrated the other day and it resulted in a "vision migraine". So I am trying to stay good on drinking what I am supposed to. When your stomach is the size of an egg it's tough to drink at least 64 oz of water per day. I still am not allowed to lift over 15 lbs. My incisions are almost healed. I have lost 20 pounds since surgery, but no weight loss for 2 weeks. So hopefully August goes by fast so I can get back into the gym.
So yeah, since I don't hear from Ryan anymore, I have had a few days that I haven't thought of him at all. That's a huge step for me. I don't miss "us" anymore. I have enough distance to see how bad the bad was. I will always remember how good the good was, unfortunately it just couldn't outweigh the bad.
My friend Kelly's son is having his 7th birthday party on Saturday and I am so excited to see them!
I have tomorrow off and then I work in San Mateo on Thursday as usual, then my weekend! Then I am working 10 days in a row so Cheryl can vacay at Lake Shasta. That'll help this girl's paycheck out! So I am going to try to relax as much as possible between now and then.
I am not sure what else to update you on... Work is good, the house is good- still clean, and constantly getting rearranged by yours truly... The animals are good. Family is good, the nephews went home last week. So stay tuned, this limbo can't last forever!

Update: Ready to start my life.

I feel like I am ready. Ready to be wiser, more active, and LIVE.

My whole life I have had to touch the fire 2-10 times to truly learn it burns. I don't want to waste my time making the same mistakes anymore. I am making so many huge changes, it would be such a waste to make my old mistakes all over again.

I have cut off all communication with Ryan. He started using more often and when he did so he would seek me out to verbally attack me. On a phone I paid for. So, I shut that phone off and changed my number. I have to stand up for me. I know most of his family have cut me off from any communication because of it. That's been really hard to lose a whole family- but I know it is because of their codependency, and I understand being charmed by Ryan (as I was for so long). He is their son and brother, I was only the wife. I get that.

I am looking forward to December. I will be officially divorced, I am thinking of getting a new car then, and possibly putting myself on something like EHarmony.com. Who knows?! I am gonna step out of my comfort zone and dating after this many years is definitely out of that zone. :)

I am recovering well, my stomach is adjusting to some solid foods. I feel ready to get back to work - I even bought a lunch box. True story. I go back this coming Sunday.

If you want to hang out, let me know! XOXO

Home and Pain...

So I am alive and that's a plus. Pretty sure I lost 4 lbs since I have been home. Totals me to 50 lbs down I believe since I started this journey. So there is that. But holy crap. The amount of gas they fill you up with to do laproscopic surgery on your stomach is no joke. The day after I got home I stopped the pain meds since they seemed to make me sicker. So that may be part of the pain problem too. The pain meds have to be in liquid form and my surgeon doesn't seem to think I need anything else. Sweet.

Each day is better, even if only a little. So I keep waiting for days to pass. :)

My first surgery and I can honestly say - I never want to have another surgery ever. Everything went well as far as the surgery goes, but I am not surprised- I trusted my surgeon to get the job done right. :) But man. No bueno!

The day before surgery, Ryan called and asked if he could come be with me at the hospital. Like an idiot I say yes, and get excited, and call the hospital to make sure he can stay in my room. Well, he decided later that it wouldn't work for him to come. I get it, just wish he hadn't gotten my hopes up. Never quite got how to make me feel important. :( BUT, I am okay! And it's probably better that I did it on my own (the overnight part anyway). My parents were awesome support and continue to be. Jen has been so incredible too, helping out since Mom also just had back surgery and can't drive. The nephews are in town and they have been very sweet as well. Tawni is going to take me to Safeway tonight since it doesn't seem like anything I have gotten to eat is sitting well. Don't know if it's the food or if it's ME. :) I also met the girl who my surgeon operated on right before me. She has been such incredible support via email and Facebook. Crazy that we met across the hall from each other in South San Francisco, but she lives in San Jose, works in Santa Cruz, and we have a couple mutual Facebook friends. Small world! I am so glad I met her.

I am excited to see the next chapter as it's being written. I constantly have to remind myself I am stronger than I know, I can do what I set my mind to, and I WILL be ok. :)

Thank you so much to my friends that have stayed in touch- the Facebook love and texts have really meant so much, you'll never know.

Getting nervous...

I want to start or at least continue chronicling my journey through this period of my life. I feel that nervous feeling when you are packing for a trip and you are SURE you have forgotten something.

I THINK I am ready for surgery, there is A LOT of preparation. This has not been an easy journey. I started all of this in November, and here I am, less than 2 weeks until my surgery and I have lost over 40 lbs, I have quit smoking, I haven't had caffeine, carbonation, or fast food. I exercise (when I am allowed), I take a million vitamins, 4 different times a day, and I am sure there is more that I have had to change.

I know that when I see people I haven't seen and I am smaller they will assume that surgery was an "easy way out". But I know better, so do the people who have had to put up with me through all these life changes. Surgery is a tool, and will help, but the major life long changes are mine to keep up.

So, I have my mushy foods, clean house... I am gonna be on my back for 2 weeks, and possibly throwing up the 3rd after surgery.

I have a few more pre-op appointments left, and then I will have to update on my progress as I heal. I would love to eventually put together a book (of sorts) with pictures and blogs, and then see this whole process in writing. So if this has gotten boring- you can stop reading! :) Sorry, probably should have warned you at the beginning! So rude of me.

XO

Who knew?

Holy Shit.

Yes, cursing is allowed today.

So last night Ryan and I signed our dissolution papers. I say dissolution because it hurts just a little bit less than the other "D" word. It was tough, but I think I was pretty numb to it all at that point, felt kinda relieved even. He had a tougher time.

But then this morning came. I woke up to my phone ringing. Ryan. Wanted to have breakfast. As much as I didn't want to get out of bed, I had just told him last night that I would always be there for him. So I pulled myself out from under my safe covers and met him. We ate and I had a little time before meeting my mom. He asked if we could go to the house so he could get some stuff, meet the kitten and hang out. So away we went.

It was a little awkward at first. He didn't have much to say so I tried making conversation but it fell flat. That was when I noticed the tears in his eyes. I went to him and we just held each other and cried silently. I didn't even think about how hard it would be on him to see the house and his dog and me and really just OUR HOME.

When it was time to go, I took him back to his bike and we kissed goodbye and promised to stay in touch. I met my mom and we headed to court to file the paperwork. It ended up being quite different than we expected, especially the part where you can't do anything in Santa Cruz, only Watsonville. Anyway- without the boring paperwork details when we walked away from the courthouse ($400 later...) , my mom who was there to be MY rock :) lost it. So I lost it. We lost it the whole way to the parking garage, up the elevator and to the car. Then we pulled it together and ran errands. Mom had to go to Target which was good for me because they had a lot of the stuff I needed to get ready for surgery and recovery.

She took me back to my car, I listened to "Who Knew" by P!nk and SOBBED the whole way home. I know we did the right thing, I truly do. It just isn't easy. I expected to think about my resentment, and our dating and married memories, maybe the good times, maybe I'd focus on the bad times. But all I have pictured in my head all day is my wedding on the beach. Just the sunny, happy day we committed our lives to each other. I know that people had their opinions, some were shared, I am sure some kept them to themselves. I know people didn't expect us to last long. I truly thought we could do it. And you know what? I do not put ANYTHING past God. Who knows what the future holds?

This is definitely not what I had planned for 2 years down the road.

Thanks for letting me therapeutically vent here.

XO

It'll take time...

This morning I woke up kind of sad. But sad for friends I have lost in the middle of my current life's "storm". Sad that I know they will return one day, and that I will have to tell them that though I forgive them and wish them only great things, I cannot be friends with them. I need "ALL-weather" friends. I need people that I can count on, people that can count on me. It is actually kind of ironic, without the people who have left, it's been a calmer storm.

I think this is MY fault. I have allowed so much of my own toxic behavior. I love to be a care-taker, to be empathetic. These aren't bad qualities, but when you take them too far WATCH OUT. I got to be the HEAVIEST doormat. :) But I (ME) laid down to be that doormat. "Sure I will take care of you when your world crashes, don't worry about me, I don't matter." I was an idiot. I have put myself on hold, my life, my time, my health, EVERYTHING. Ummm, how am I going to be who God designed me to be if I stroke out? :) God made me this HUGE heart and I have abused it. So as I clean out my life (bleach it) hopefully I can use this heart as He intended.

I don't want to take time for me and then forget everything else. I am scared to get "cold". I am scared I will stay on the outside to avoid getting hurt again. But everything I want from life sits on the other side of a lot of risks. So I hope to be braver. For God. For Me. For my friends who have taken a risk with me. So thank you so much for your friendship, for your empathy, for your encouragement. I know I couldn't have done this alone. And I am gonna only be asking for more! I am so needy now! Haha! XOXOX

Next stage...

Went this past weekend to see family and meet with Ryan to sign divorce papers he swore he'd sign. His only condition was that we would do it at the end of our time together. This made me nervous, and I let him know that if it came to the end of that time and he didn't sign, he would risk losing contact with me and that I would then proceed on my own with the paperwork.
He said it was worth the risk and he would sign. Foolish me. He didn't. So, no contact. And now I do it on my own. Which honestly, shouldn't surprise me since I've done 99% of it all on my own anyway. And I don't mean that in a martyr-like way. I chose to marry an addict- I chose to marry Ryan. I "knew" addicts were self-centered but didn't know what that meant on such a deep level as marriage.
DO NOT misunderstand me. I wouldn't change a thing. I do NOT regret marrying Ryan Gomm, and my heart will ALWAYS have a deep love for him.
If love and fun times could make a marriage, we would be the envy of the WORLD. Unfortunately it takes so much more.
I was so lucky to have a chance to love Sober Ryan, the Ryan who truly IS so amazing. Bummer that I didn't always have him though. And I can't be married to two different people. Wondering who I am with each day is exhausting. Trying to hold it all together on my own, go to bed and wake up on my own- it is not easy, but it IS making me stronger. Plus, my friend Cheryl is planning on helping me re-decorate my house some more to help the process.
My surgeon appointment is this Thursday, that is something I don't dread anymore, which also shocks me. Speaking of which, does a person ever run out the ability to BE surprised??
I got a kitten and that's been fun and distracting for me AND Bettie.
I got to see my surrogate brother Tommy James, his woman (who is with child again:)) and their daughter Cadence that I absolutely fell in love with all over again when she sat in my lap wrapped in a blanket for the evening.
Cheryl and I continue to sell mad amounts of spas and that has also been a blast.
And I can't wait for my friend Tawni's life to slow down a bit so I can hang out on her couch again. ;)
One day I hope I can inspire or help someone else because of all of this junk.
So that's where I am at today. XOXO

"Explex Delays"

Hi guys,
This morning was incredible. I got to meet Tawni and Paul's son, Brayden Randall Ybarra. So amazing - a whole new life began. Something so joyful is a welcome overshadow of anything else.

But I will update you- this has become a very easy way to let you know what is going on so every time I talk to you or run into you I don't have to go through everything. Which saves me, but mostly saves YOU. ;)
This past week was a roller coaster. I have a feeling weeks like that are definitely ahead of me still. On Tawni's street they are doing construction and they have spray painted on a board the words "EXPLEX DELAYS". Horribly misspelled, but I got it anyway. I have a feeling that sign was directed at me in my life at this time. I truly should give myself a break and expect delays, and drive cautiously through the construction that is my life.

I started going to the gym before work and it has been so much fun. Tawni showed me how to use the equipment. Yes, I needed someone to show me. I am already below my target weight that the surgeon wants me at before surgery.

At work, Cheryl and I have been selling so many spas we brought our Capitola store to the #1 selling store for April of our 8 Bay Area locations. SO that is awesome too.

Last Friday evening for some unknown reason, my Dad and I had a fight. Well, he yelled and I cried. I am not mad, I think in that moment it was clear that I am not the only one in the midst of divorcing Ryan. As much as it hurts to lose a husband, I am sure it is just as hard to feel like he is losing a son. My mom wears her anguish on her sleeve, I have seen her cry and grieve for Ryan. I think Dads hold themselves to some standard of no crying, no weakness. But if it is going to manifest itself in a rant against me, for God's sake man, CRY.

Last Saturday was a toughie. Ryan came to get his stuff, he moved out of town a week ago today. He brought a friend with him, like it couldn't get any more awkward than it was. We are going to meet up in a few weeks to sign papers. I know not everyone will understand this, but the only way I feel like we have any chance in the future is if we can get rid of the old. I hate who I became. I hate who he became. We both have a lot of work to do, and if we come together again in the future it would have to be a "start from scratch" situation, a real chance.

Then Tuesday was a real treat. It was our 2 year wedding anniversary. Dates aren't usually that significant but this one was a bit painful. Never expected to spend a wedding anniversary in 2 different area codes. Didn't expect much of any of this.

This weekend everyone is out of town but me. I have my dog and my Mom's dog, so we will see who survives. I am thinking it might not be me- I haven't left the compound until today, too scared to leave them alone for long. So at least I am all caught up on laundry, dishes, and I rearranged my living room, again. :)
Peace out guys, I am gonna finish up work and hopefully go love on the Ybarras!

Stalled...

Why on earth are some days harder than others, even without a tangible change from one day to the next? I am at my same job, that I drove my same car to, with my same music. My hair is done, my make-up in place, and on the surface I should be taking on the world. I joined a gym yesterday, I still have a clean house, and a clean car, my bills are caught up, and my gas tank is full.

Yet today, today sucks. I keep trying not to look at my left hand and the void on my ring finger. I try to stay strong and keep the brimming tears from falling and giving me away. I try not to look the nice people in the eye, for fear they will be filled with kindness and I might break. How can I ache for something that is so toxic?

Why couldn't I stop loving Ryan the moment he became someone else? Oh how much easier it would be if my heart listened to my head.

My boss just walked up and asked me how I am doing. Yeah, I lost it and had to run to the bathroom for kleenex. That's professional.

I do not get how 2 days that look exactly the same can feel so different.

I need a rescue, a hand, a break. I need to let myself grieve, but stay strong enough not to drown in it. And do I really have to grieve on the day I work with both of my bosses? Really? How fair is that?

It isn't.

As far as a weekly update, you guys pretty much got it in the first paragraph. Except for the follow up from last week on meeting with Ryan last Friday to sign divorce papers. Surprise: He doesn't want to sign. That I half expected. But nothing could have prepared me for how he looks. Did I mention I HATE drugs? The man I met with on Friday is NOT the man I married. Just thinking of how he looked shatters what's left of my heart. I truly hope he hits his bottom. I feel like his bottom must be so much deeper than most people's. I know I hit mine. And I know I didn't have to fall far to get to it.

So I have blogged 3 weeks in a row now, and with that- I need to go distract myself with something (anything) else.

Peace out, love you guys.

A week later...

There are many things that have happened in a week. I won't get into dramatic details. What is important is what I have learned. I learned that a disagreement isn't worth losing a relationship over. I learned that my life can be as peaceful as I make it. If I lose myself in the drama (that I didn't create) then I lose. If I can take that drama, pray for everyone involved, and for my own peace, then and only then can I keep peace.

There are so many changes in my life right now that it would be very easy to get lost. Instead, I choose to reinvent myself. I feel like I am a new purse- I can put everything I liked from the last purse in the new one, then add new shiny things to it too! (By the way, that is my favorite part of buying a new purse.)

On top of everything else, my car's CD player decided to go to heaven. And anyone who has been through a break-up knows that being at the mercy of the radio is dangerous. So I was able to run into Best Buy and use some of the points I have racked up there to get a new stereo. That has been a life saver in the middle of all this crap.

I also went to a salon and cut my hair, dyed it black and added blue highlights. I know. Most people try to limit these types of changes when the more emotional changes are happening. I prefer to do it all at once. And make positive changes that I can control, somehow it minimizes the larger ones I have no control over.

...and I am still smoke free. I don't weigh myself (I let the doctors) so I don't know yet how much more I have lost. I know I haven't been able to be as active because I have super hurt my back somehow. But there is my whining. Tomorrow morning Tawni and I are going to go to the gym and start our water aerobics class. I am excited and nervous.

Today also marks the first contact with me that any of Ryan's immediate family has attempted. Apparently when I emailed them, it was miscommunicated that I didn't want contact. That couldn't be further from my reality. Ryan's sister texted me - trying to help Ryan and I get back together. Now I totally get that this is her being a big sister and trying hard to get her little brother what he wants... However, there are SO many steps that need to be taken before there is hope for Ryan and I to get back together. Obviously he would need a substantial amount of clean time, first and foremost. And then there are more steps to take after that. And if those steps are taken, then we start over. Fresh. New. Pure. So my point is it will be a while. But I don't plan on writing him off, or putting my life on hold either. He can always contact me. The fact that we are signing divorce papers tomorrow doesn't mean I have written him out of my life. I will always love him and I will always care about his well-being no matter where life takes either of us.

So that's out. Sorry if that was mildly "rant-ish".

PS: I am proud of myself for blogging again the following week, let's hope I can continue it!

Love you.

Anna

Changes... Some good.

So here it is, however many moons since I have blogged. And AGAIN I promise to keep this blog going now that I have started again. This time I really hope I do. Feel free to hold me accountable!

I have so much to update you on- depending who you are that is, some of you may know all of this junk.

Where to start...

First thing you have to know- in case you don't already, I have always HATED doctors. That being said- for the first time in 10 years, 6 months ago, I went to the doctor for a regular check up and discovered that my blood pressure was so high I was at risk of having a stroke. Immediately they put me on blood pressure meds, of course. But then told me that weight loss surgery would be my only option, that it isn't humanly possible to lose the amount of weight I need to lose fast enough to get me out of the woods as far as my blood pressure was concerned. So I went home, with Ryan, and we discussed it. Honestly, without trying to sound too dramatic, I really didn't want surgery, I told Ryan- I have already experienced so much in life, it wouldn't be so bad to just go hang out with Jesus. But Ryan told me that he would support me and be there through everything but that he wanted to have a long life with me, so not having the surgery was not an option.

Okay, so I accepted that. All of a sudden I am at Kaiser at least once a week. Check ups, classes, surgeons, doctors, nurse practitioners, psychologists, etc... Hated every moment. Although, thankfully my mother is both retired and incredible, so she has accompanied me to almost every appointment.

I have lost 30 lbs. On my own. I have also quit smoking. On my own. Surgery is scheduled for July. So if you see me around in a year, you may notice I am half the person I was. ;) This is why.

On to other news. Ryan has unfortunately relapsed. Again. This time has been monumentally worse than ever. I made him leave our home. He has made no effort to change his circumstances. So, I am filing for divorce. I know I vowed in sickness and in health... And I know this is sickness. But in all reality his drug use and my constant fear even when he is sober has been slowly killing me. I can only take what I've taken so far. I absolutely love him and I hope and pray SO hard that he gets sober. I will continue to pray he becomes the man God made him to be- I know that man- I married that man- and it is unfortunate that this man is gone. But hopefully temporarily. But not for my sake. For his. I am done. I am not a doormat, nor a toilet. I will not be stepped on or shat on. I have learned so much in this journey to take care of me. I am of no good to anyone if I am dead. One doctor compared it to an airplane crash- when that mask falls down, you are directed to put yours on first before helping others. Same concept.

So Bettie and I are on our own. I can't tell you how thankful I am for that dog. Because of her, when I come home, I am greeted with such enthusiasm. On top of that, my friends that have stepped up to support me in this are blowing me away with unwavering compassion. My friends that aren't, the ones that have bailed? Those were never friends. So that? That's no loss in my book.

I am working at Paradise Valley Spas still, and they have actually promoted me when I thought this was a place that really had no room for advancement. I am treasured at work, and by my friends and family. It feels AMAZING to allow myself to be loved on.

I am ridiculously grateful. And so so blessed.

I promise to keep you updated throughout this process, ALL the processes!

Love and Hope